02/19/2009 05:12 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

Jan. 19, 2009, News Update

President Bush holds final news conference. Still clueless after all these years. Man more to be pitied than scorned? No. Deserves to be pitied and scorned.

White House considers it a success -- No shoes thrown. Wimpy White House press corps wimps out as usual. Nobody asks Bush how he feels about being considered worst President of modern times. Nor did anybody ask about Cheney being considered worst President of modern times.

Bush asked about mistakes during time in White House. Real answer: Becoming President. Cartoonist Clay Bennett shows Bush acknowledging "a couple of mistakes" -- Domestic policy and foreign policy.

White House interns conscripted to fill room for news conference.
Hope they got extra pizza for that.

Bush also delivers 13-minute farewell address on TV. Twelve minutes too long. Even Cheney nods off.

Bushies point out they've kept country safe from terrorist attacks since 9/11. Would it be impolite to point out that 9/11 happened on their watch?

In Fox TV interview, Cheney cautions Obama to think twice before keeping campaign promises to get rid of controversial Bush policies like warrantless wiretapping and harsh interrogation of detainees. Yo, Dick, when Obama's inaugurated, he won't have to think twice about swearing to uphold and defend the Constitution. Too bad you and Bush didn't think twice about that.

Barack Obama takes Lincolnesque train ride into Washington. Will take oath of office on Lincoln Bible. No plans so far to grow Lincolnesque beard. At least not during first term.

Obama wins fight to keep Blackberry. What if it were a Whiteberry?

Treasury Secretary nominee Tim Geithner didn't pay taxes for three years. Republicans say that's their kind of guy.

Congress votes to release remaining $350 billion of TARP funds. Dare one ask? What the hell happened to the first $350 billion?

Citibank says it needs more bailout money after receiving billions in federal aid. Director Robert Rubin resigns. Is this the guy we want advising Obama on finances?

Detroit holds annual auto show. What's difference between auto show and wake? No booze at auto show.

Judges refuse to revoke bail for mega-crook Bernard Madoff. Where's Judge Judy when we need her?

New aircraft carrier USS George H.W. Bush commissioned, following in wake of USS William Jefferson Clinton. When it's George W. Bush's turn, will the Navy have a rowboat?

Arizona Cardinals win NFC championship. Team from Arizona going to Super Bowl obviously not so implausible as Senator from Arizona going to White House.

Golden Globe Awards given out. It used to be that events were on television because they were important. Now they're important because they're on television.