07/31/2006 10:58 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

July 31 News Update

President Bush and British Prime Minister Blair hold joint news conference at White House. Dubya wants to show he can talk to Tony without using four-letter words.

Bush and Blair call for international force to maintain peace in Middle East. Everybody agrees, but nobody wants to send troops. New version of NIMBY is NITBY--Not In Their Back Yard.

Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice returning to area after diversionary trip to Far East, where she showed off piano-playing skill. CondiNero plays piano while Beirut burns.

Rice says current violence represents 'birth pangs of a new Middle East."

More like death throes of old peace process.

Mid-East violence overwhelms UN peace-keepers in region. Peace-keepers? Oxymoron on steroids.

Israel suspends air strikes after killing 22 children in raid on Lebanon. High moral ground lost in rubble.

Audit shows Agency for International Development used fraudulent accounting practices to hide cost overruns on 1.4$Billion worth of construction projects in Iraq. Just another example of democracy in action.

Saddam Hussein goes on hunger strike. Authorities consider force-feeding him Doritos.

Hussein says if condemned to die, he prefers death by firing squad. Let's hope he doesn't get an Iraqi circular firing squad.

US Military closing NORAD--North American Aerospace Defense Command--deep in Colorado mountain. CIA just told them Cold War is over.

Cruise missile falls off truck in the Bronx. Luckily, military got there before boys in the hood.

British Petroleum quarterly profits equate to $55,000 per minute. Look at it this way--it doesn't cost you that much to fill up--at least not yet.

Right-wing looney-tunes Ann Coulter says Bill Clinton is gay. Just another Monica Lewinsky wannabe.

Ken Jennings, who won $2.5 million on Jeopardy, blasts show and host Alex Trebek. What is an ingrate?

First gay women to marry in Massachusetts have broken up. Certainly not because of another man?

Oprah declares she is not gay. Protesteth too much?

Mel Gibson goes off on anti-semitic rant after being stopped for drunk driving, apologizes when sober. At least he didn't hit anybody with a telephone.

Tour de France winner Floyd Landis and track star Justin Gatlin flunk drug tests, face suspension. They can always try baseball.

David Hasselhoff serving as talent judge on new TV reality show. See above reference to UN peace-keepers.

Movie version of "Dallas" to be shot in Florida. Hey, worked for Miami Vice.