07/05/2011 06:45 pm ET Updated Sep 04, 2011

July 4, 2011, News Update


July 4th Observed. Happy Birthday America! Congratulations! You're 235 years old. Too bad You're broke!

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid cancels Senate's 4th of July recess so it can spend more time in Washington deadlocked over raising debt ceiling.

Montana Sen. Max Baucus, 69, marries former aide on Independence (which he has just given up) Day, but recess cancellation foils honeymoon plans. Fortunately, they got married on July 4th so they had time to consummate marriage.

President Obama scolds Congress over negotiations to raise debt ceiling, noting his young daughters do a better job of getting things done. Gets daughter Malia's age wrong..she's 12, not 13. Apparently confused it with Sen. Minority Leader Mitch McConnell's IQ.

Pundidiot Mark Halperin suspended after characterizing Obama as a "dick" for his news conference. Hey, Mark, next time try "jerk." Besides, what's the big deal? It wasn't so long ago that everybody referred to Vice President Cheney as "Dick." And he was a dick.

GOP Sen. Pat Roberts of Kansas suggests Obama calm down and pop a Valium before meeting with Republicans on debt ceiling. How about Republicans first have "no tax cuts" chip removed from their brains?

Minn. Congresswoman Michelle Bachmann throws her tea bag into presidential ring. She wants to take "Bach" the government, Man.

Makes announcement in Waterloo, Iowa. Waterloo? Portent for campaign?

Confuses actor John Wayne with serial killer John Wayne Gacy in making her announcement. At least she kept Paul Revere out of it.

Republican legislators in Minnesota allow government to shut down because of Governor's proposal to increase income tax on millionaires. Prelude of things to come in Washington, DC?

Here's a novel idea: Why don't country's multi-millionaires and billionaires volunteer to forego tax cuts in order to resolve impasse in Minnesota and Washington? Who are those men in white coats outside my door?

With a carnival cavalcade of GOP candidates challenging Obama in 2012, pundidiots flood internet with talk of NY Gov. Andrew Cuomo as Dem. candidate in 2016(!) because he got same-sex marriage passed in New York. Talk about premature e-speculation.

Late night comedian host Stephen Colbert wins approval to form Super PAC for 2012 elections. Colbert's reaction: "Knock knock. Who's there. Unlimited union and corporate contributions. Unlimited union and corporate contributions who?
That's the thing. I don't think I should have to tell you." Take that, Supremicist Court!

United Nations appoints North Korea chair of its Conference on Disarmament. Really, no joke! In a related development, Dracula put in charge of UN's global blood bank. And Greece to head World Bank.

Quick----Who's the UN Secretary-General? Answer: Ban Ki-moon of South Korea. He's just been sworn in for a second term, so you'll have another five years to not know who he is.

Former President of New Mexico University accused of participating in online prostitution ring. Wonder if that helped in recruiting athletes to NMU?

New York Times revamps its Sunday opinion section, making it as drab as the rest of the newspaper. Also revamps Sunday magazine, dropping "Ethicist" column. No real loss since you can now upgrade to "Dear Abbey" and "Ann Landers."

Sports Update:

For the first time in 9 years, the winner of the Men's championship at Wimbledon is not named Roger or Rafa. It's Novak, as in Novak Djokovic from Serbia, now ranked #1 in world.
His mother said afterward, "For four years, it was Roger, Rafa, Rafa, Roger. Now it is Novak, Novak, Novak, Novak." No kidding. We shall see.

Don't you wish tennis commentator John McEnroe would just analyze the tennis and stop psychoanalyzing the players?

National Basketball Assn. declares lockout. Who do they think they are, the NFL? No, the players are taller. Another case of multi-millionaires fighting billionaires over money. Before you feel too sorry for them, remember their big tax breaks.

Los Angeles Dodgers declare bankruptcy. Told ya they never should have moved from Brooklyn.