07/30/2009 05:12 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

June 29, 2009 News Update

Michael Joseph Jackson: From child star to iconic "King of Pop" to Wacko Jacko to Dead at 50. Such an extraordinary talent. Such extraordinary talent squandered.

Don't Cry for Mark, Argentina... South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford goes missing, turns out he went to Argentina to see his... his girlfriend... lover... paramour... mistress... tango partner? Said he spent five days crying as he said Adios. Staff put out story he was hiking in Appalachia. There are lots of synonyms for fornicating, but "Hiking in Appalachia" is really innovative.

As Governor, Sanford tried to resist the federal stimulus package, but couldn't. Couldn't resist Argentinian stimulus package either.

Sanford struck by the curse of Clinton. Like Nev. Sen. John Ensign, Sanford, a "family values" guy , was a harsh critic of President Clinton over the Monica Lewinsky affair. Meanwhile, Ensign wondering why Sanford couldn't find somebody on his staff to fool around with instead of going all the way to Argentina.

As someone once said, men are born with one head and one penis but not enough blood to fill both of them at the same time.

Will Sanford resign or won't he? Still uncertain. What's certain is he won't be candidate for President in 2012.

Super swindler Bernard Madoff sentenced to 150 years in prison. Is that enough? That's only 3 years for each one billion dollars of stolen money. Madoff devastated. Even more devastated to learn jailhouse Rabbi who provided major perks for Jewish prisoners in New York City jails has resigned.

Wife Ruth Madoff is selling their $7.5 million coop in Manhattan but can't find another place to rent. Awwww. When investigation is over, maybe she'll qualify for same kind of public housing as Bernie.

Iranian President Ahmadinejad demands Obama apologize for "meddling" in Iranian election. Demonstrators in Iran demand Ahmadinejad apologize for stealing election. Prediction: Neither will occur.

Government cracks down on protesters with motorcycle-riding, club-wielding thugs known as Basij. Basij, meet Savak.

Following Iranian violence against protesters, United States disinvites Iranian diplomats to US Embassy Fourth of July celebrations around world. Iranians weren't going to attend anyway. They were afraid Americans were going to serve Hebrew National hot dogs.

Supreme Court overturns decision approved by Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor when she was on Federal Appeals court. Hey, Sonia, welcome to the NFL.

Kentucky Pastor invited congregation to carry guns to Saturday night service. Earlier gave sermon entitled, "God, Guns, Gospel and Geometry." Should have been "God, Guns, Gospel, Geometry and Gun Nuts." Christian Science Monitor dubbed service Saturday Night Special. Another pastor pointed out Jesus never said,"Make My Day."

New York Yankees' star Alex Rodriguez to rest one day a week because of "fatigue" resulting from hip surgery. A-Rod "rested" by partying with new squeeze Kate Hudson in South Beach. Suppose he went hiking in Appalachia?