03/04/2009 12:52 pm ET Updated May 25, 2011

March 4, 2009 News Update

President Obama presents Hormel budget. Lotsa pork.

Big budget numbers expected to reduce unemployment figures immediately as armies of lobbyists hired to fight program cuts and thousands of accountants hired to find tax loopholes for rich people targeted for tax increases.

Obama calls George Bush to inform him about plan to withdraw troops from Iraq. Bush tells him to call Dick Cheney.

Globe Magazine (my bible) says Bush "Suicidal. Depressed and Paranoid." Sure. Hasn't screwed anything up in four weeks now.

President Obama says special interests are spoiling for a fight. "And so am I." Sir, better be careful with that Bring It On stuff.

White House announces the First Pet will be a Portuguese Water Dog. What happened to Buy American?

Budget envisions economy turning around by 2011 and budget deficit halved by 2013. Rosy Scenario makes annual DC appearance.

Republicans react to budget by denouncing Obama as Robin Hood. They still don't understand there are a lot more poor people than rich people in America.

Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal delivers Republican response to Obama speech. No Slumdog Millionaire there. Gov. Palin has even dropped him from consideration as VP in 2012.

NY Times columnist Paul Krugman says Republicans have become "party of Beavis and Butthead." Beavis and Butthead demand apology.

Conservative Political Action Committee (CPAC) holds conference in DC, with Joe the Plumber as panelist and Rush Limbaugh as featured speaker. Thus validating description as party of Beavis and Butthead.

Republican congressional leadership trying to get Kentucky Sen. Jim Bunning not to run for re-election in 2010. They think he's lost too much off his fastball.

Bunning apologizes after suggesting Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg will be dead from cancer within 9 months. Also threatens to resign and allow Democratic Governor to name successor if GOP doesn't back his re-election campaign. Now known as screwball pitcher.
Obama says House Republican whip, Eric Cantor, a constant critic, will eventually say, Boy, Obama had a good idea. But it wouldn't be a good idea to call him Boy.

Mayor Dean Grose of Los Alamitos, CA, resigns after being criticized for sending e-mail showing watermelons on White House lawn. See what I mean?

Obama names former Washington Gov. Gary Locke as Commerce Secretary after problems with first two appointments. You suppose this guy's been thoroughly vetted?

Laura Bush says she "totally forgot" to watch Obama's speech to Congress. Who cares?

George Bush visits Dallas hardware store whose owner offered him job as greeter. Damn! Where was that guy in 2000?

Legendary investor Warren Buffet reports losses for 2008. Now you know the economy is really in crisis.

If Nadya Suleman had delivered her octuplets roadside, would she have been cited for littering?

Tiger Woods is back. But not all the way back.

Dodgers slugger Manny Ramirez turns down $45 million two-year contract. Hell, that wouldn't even keep a guy in steroids.