MAY 17, 2010, NEWS UPDATE
At Congressional hearings, BP, Transocean and Halliburton all blame each other for Gulf of Mexico oil spill. Blame Game on steroids. Finger-pointing with huge middle fingers. Buck stops nowhere... except maybe at Gulf Coast shorelines.
President Obama blasts oil companies for "finger-pointing and irresponsibility." Shades of JFK and steel companies. Will appoint Presidential Commission to investigate. That's what you do when you don't know what else to do-appoint a Presidential Commission, which will issue a scathing report, make profound recommendations and then be totally ignored.
Obama says Federal Government not "without responsibility," suggesting regulatory failures. What? You're telling me oil companies and off-shore drilling are regulated? Who knew.
Obama also lambastes "cozy relationship" between regulators and oil industry. Chris Oynes, top Interior Department official responsible for overseeing offshore drilling at Mineral Management Services, takes the hint, resigns. Administration officials say accelerated resignation has nothing to do with BP oil spill. Of course not. He just wants to spend more time with his family-or his oil industry pals.
Six Congressional committees schedule hearings on oil spill. Can't resist publicity bonanza, even though more fingers sharpened for pointing. Toyota executives may show up out of force of habit.
Obama Administration proposes raising liability for oil spills from $75 Million (BP's one-day profits) to $10Billion. Quick passage blocked by Rep. Sen. Murkowski. Where's she from? Where was the biggest oil spill ever? Right... Alaska... as in Exxon Valdez. You can't make this stuff up.
Tar balls show up on Key West Florida beaches. Investigators seeking to find out if related to Gulf oil spill. Maybe they just dropped out of sky?
Elena Kagan, New Yorker, nominated to Supreme Court. Front page news for home town newspaper, New York Post? Nope. Post prefers picture of Tiger Woods holding microphone in provocative position with vulgar caption. So, page 2?....3?....4??? How about page 10? Confirming observation Post published as daily challenge to First Amendment.
Post and Wall Street Journal and Fox Noise show pictures of Kagan playing softball, suggesting it's Lesbian sport... Ohmigod... I played softball in college... Could that mean...?
Pat Buchanan compares softball to "two men sunbathing together."
Who does he think he is, Glen Beck? Ohmigod... I once sunbathed together with my college classmates... Could that mean....?
If Kagan confirmed, The Supremes will be composed of three Jews and six Catholics, have four New Yorkers, with all nine associated with Yale or Harvard. Whoever woulda thunk we need a WASP for diversity?
Speaking of Tiger Woods, he retired from recent tournament with "bulging disc" in neck. Female Golf Channel commentator first reported "bulging dick... er, disc." Talk about your Freudian slips!
Tiger's longtime swing coach, Hank Haney, resigns... acknowledges that Tiger is "sex addict." He should know, since he obviously helps Tiger to be better swinger.
Vatican names first auxiliary bishop for Diocese of Phoenix, Hispanic priest named Eduardo Nevares. Congratulations, Father! But be sure to have your immigration papers with you at all times.
While visiting Portugal, Pope Benedict XVI says Roman Catholic Church responsible for own sins. Must have finally started reading New York Times.
Internet reports describe capture of Times Square Bomb Plot "mastermind." Mastermind? I don't think so.
Obama visits Buffalo Wings restaurant in Buffalo, woman tells him he's a "hottie with smokin' little body." Wonder how she knew Barack means "hottie" in Arabic...
And, now, from the world of Show/News Biz:
Washington Post critic Tom Shales, reviewing new PBS show "Need to Know," writes co-host Alison Stewart "looked as though she would have been more comfortable in (show guest Bill) Clinton's lap. Stewart responded by denouncing Shales' comment as "crude, crass and sexist." Hey, Alison, chill. Maybe Tommy was just jealous. Or maybe his boyfriend suggested he write that. Besides, nobody takes Shales seriously since CBS Morning News hired that boyfriend in apparent effort to influence his writing.
Newsweek writer Ramin Setoodeh (openly gay) writes that gay actors can't plan straight men convincingly once we know their sexuality. (Full disclosure: Newsweek owned by Washington Post, both of which apparently suffer from sloppy copy editing). Immediately draws rebuke from co-star Kristin Chenoweth and a whole lot of other people. No, that's not why Newsweek is up for sale. But maybe that's why it should be. Bad buy of the day: Long-term subscription to Newsweek.
Comic strip Little Orphan Annie canceled. Seems Daddy Warbucks couldn't get federal bailout. Sorry, Annie, but Tomorrow is no longer a day away.
Mets broadcaster Keith Hernandez falls asleep during game. Seattle star Ken Griffey Jr. takes nap in clubhouse during game. But who says baseball is boring?
Original "Law and Order" canceled. This never woulda happened if Lenny Briscoe were still around.
New "Law and Order" scheduled for Los Angeles. New York grit replaced by LA tit?
Oprah says no more diets. Finally recognizes her inner fat person.
Today Show co-hosts Hoda and Kathie Lee Gifford appear on air without make-up. Bet you didn't even notice...