05/24/2005 06:02 pm ET Updated May 25, 2011

Trump University

Donald Trump has announced the creation of a virtual university. And if you can imagine this: He put his own name on it--Trump University.

If you're thinking about enrolling, here are a few courses to look forward to in the curriculum:

Hair 101. Learn how to comb your hair like The Donald does--weirdly. Learn how to make it your distinctive feature no matter what others say. This course will include field trips to Ted Koppel and Rudy Giuliani. It will be taught by Carrot Top.

Advanced Casino Management. Learn how to build or buy and operate glitzy hotel/casinos in Atlantic City. Learn how to lose a lot of OPM (other people's money) and leave investors holding the bag whle writing books about how to be a successful businessman. This course will be taught by Kenneth Lay until he takes up his prison residence.

The Art of the Interview. Learn how to promote yourself on television. Find out how to cultivate TV talk show hosts so they'll invite you to be on their programs. Learn how to look at the camera instead of your interviewer and how to use your interviewer's first name ad nauseum. Get advice on how to make colorful or provocative statements that will be quoted in the media. This course will be taught by Mr. Trump himself.

Ghost Writing I. Learn how to write best-selling books for other people who get big bucks contracts while you make peanuts. Find out how to take one small idea and stretch it to book-length proportions. This course will be ghost-taught.

Matrimony 202. Learn how to court and wed beautiful women. Learn what kind of jewelry to buy and where to buy it. Develop skills at crafting iron-clad prenuptial agreements. This course will be taught by Elizabeth Taylor and a male player to be named later.

Advanced Egomania. Learn how to put your name on anything you build, buy or create, even an airlines or a virtual university. Create your own business, real or virtual, and put your name on it. This course will be taught by various Ray's of Ray's Pizza.

The university will not have any athletic teams, but it will eventually offer a course in how to compete on "Survivor," "Fear Factor," "The Amazing Race," and whatever other reality shows pop up. This course will be taught by people who have been "fired" from "The Apprentice."