09/02/2011 10:49 am ET Updated Nov 02, 2011

Obama's Speech: New School Year, Same Class Clowns

So anyways, last semester was, like, a total mess, you know? And everyone's bummed out all the time and you can't even concentrate or get anything done 'cause they're throwing things and bumping into you in the hallway like it's an accident, except everyone knows it's totally on purpose, right? So we're off for the summer, and that's supposed to make it better when we get back 'cause we'll have, like, a chance to think about how we behaved and how we're supposed to behave and then we'll all be friends or something even if we sit on the other side of the class?

What a joke! Like anyone thinks D.C. High really works that way?

So fine, vacation's almost over and we're getting our school supplies, and then Barack puts out the word. Barack -- he's class president, except half the kids can't stand him and they, like, don't even treat him like he was ever elected -- he Tweets about some speech he wants to give, which he's absolutely allowed to do 'cause he's, like, class president even if they don't believe it, OK?

Except that when he wants to give this speech, there's already a party -- the Red Rebels are having a recruiting party in the library the exact same day and the exact same time! And the Blue Band -- those are the guys Barack hangs out with -- they go, "Oh, what a coincidence! We had, like, no idea!" Except it was all over Social, and everyone was buzzing on it for days, so they had to know. And Barack, he wants to give his speech anyway, and he's, like, whoever wants to watch the speech can watch the speech, and whoever wants to, like, go to the Red Rebels can go, except their party won't be that big anymore 'cause of Barack's thing being the exact same time, which you totally know was the whole idea!

And so the Red Rebels go, "We can't possibly change the time for the party, 'cause we already bought all the refreshments and the red meat and everything!" And then they go, "And you can't have the auditorium either!" 'cause Barack, he said he wants to give his speech in the auditorium and they've got, like, total control of the auditorium and nobody uses it unless Big John -- he's the main Red Rebels guy -- says they can.

And Big John, he goes, "We've already got something scheduled in the auditorium that day, and it's too important and we can't possibly reschedule it!" Except everyone knows he can do whatever he wants with the schedule, but he's just jerking Barack's chain every chance he gets, and he'd go "I'm washing my hair that night" if that's what it took to stick it to Barack.

So anyways, Barack is, like, "There they go again!" And Big John is, like, "You think you're so hot!" And nobody even cares what the speech is about anymore, 'cause all that matters is, you know, who's on top and who backs down. And they're just staring at each other, all the Red Rebels and the whole Blue Band, and it's, like, who's gonna blink first?

Which is totally how the Red Rebels always play it, 'cause they know Barack always blinks first, even though he's class president and he doesn't have to, which is exactly what happens. So Barack finally goes, "Well, if the auditorium isn't available the day I want, I'll give my speech the day after," and the Red Rebels go, "Sure!" And on Social they're, like, "We rolled him again!" 'cause they stood up and he backed down.

And 'cause the next day is, like, the big football game!

Already this semester sucks.

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Rick Horowitz is a syndicated columnist. You can write to him at