First Lady Michelle Obama has been taking some heat lately for embarking on an expensive vacation to Spain, the Journal of Insignificant Non-Issues reported today.
Though the Journal of Insignificant Non-Issues is highly respected in its field due to a near-flawless record of identifying fiddle-faddle, small potatoes, and frippery (industry technical terms) and has stated with absolute certainty that this case is, indeed, a prime example of such ... they were forced to admit that the poor timing and high cost of the First Lady's vacation does indeed happen to coincide with a period of American history in which most citizens have begun to come up with desperate excuses to defend their fiscal inability to take that "beach vacation" this year, going so far as to cite "Shark Week" facts as justification for their parsimony...
"I think it's for the best that we couldn't afford to take the kids on that vacation to Australia this year, honey," Kevin Green was overheard saying to his wife, Judy, at the Wilsons' weekly barbecue. "I hear Great White Shark numbers are way up, and it looks like they can actually jump pretty high -- and Timmy's just not that strong a strong swimmer, so maybe our crippling debt and impending divorce is a blessing in disguise!"
However, be that as it may, there is always one rogue pundit or questionable figure that garners swaths of attention from the media by spinning unambiguously immaterial issues into equally ridiculous media rumpuses by stating the exact opposite of what the majority rightly know to be true. The Census Bureau informs us that, generally speaking, these transgressors tend to be either extremely disconnected from reality, suffering from acute insanity of the cerebrum, fought in 'Nam, or is using the media's predictable knee-jerk outrage to his or her own sick, depressing financial gain.
In this week's most unsurprising news, the maverick in this particular case is renowned muckraker and dancing clown, Rush Limbaugh. Limbaugh, in typical fashion, dispelled reason, fact, and good sense, in an another awe-inspiring cry for attention and example of manipulating conservative rhetoric and ignorant intolerance, informing the public that the reason the media -- and the American people -- are not more outraged by the First Lady's conduct is because of the fact that her cutaneous exoskeleton appears to fall on the darker end of the chromatic spectrum when absorbing light from the sun. In other words, because she's black.
He went on to say that the media is giving her a pass for her exorbitant travel because it feels that America owes African-Americans reparations for slavery -- and that the Obamas likely feel entitled to scurrilous behavior because they are owed material liberties as part of these apparent sweeping, retroactive measures.
The American Public immediately released a statement saying, unilaterally, that it had not received that particular memo. It then elaborated in unequivocal language, saying that it did not ever want to receive those memos nor does it -- ever -- wish to be added to the same e-newsletter, Facebook group or Google Alert that keeps Rush Limbaugh informed.
"In fact, we really have no idea where Limbaugh gets his data, but we're pretty sure that, whatever channel is serving him, it needs a better spam filter." Over the years, many experts have speculated on the source of Limbaugh's information, sources ranging from his toilet bowl, to Satan's penis, to the Mayor of AssClowntown.
The American Medical Association announced that it felt it was in a particularly advantageous position to lend a hand during the investigation by helping to expose the source of Limbaugh's uninterrupted supply of crazy pills. "This is just getting out of hand. We originally blamed Canada for their profligate, suggestive socialist pharmaceutical policies, but we're pretty sure, with the flagrant and continued access to these crazy pills, that the source is located somewhere in the United States. This is our top priority, and we assure you that we'll get this cleaned up. This will also be of great benefit to Mel Gibson."
In the interim, the American Media, which says that they've still received no proof or confirmation of inviting Limbaugh to be considered as an actual member of the media -- or human being, for that matter -- has formally stated that they are working on a diagnosis for Limbaugh, which is likely to include Advanced Racism, Incurable Megalomania, and Giant Hemorrhoids. WebMD, for once correct in its advice, has suggested that the only cure for racism and ignorance in the U.S. is not Midol or Advil or a Harry Potter band-aid, but instead for Rush Limbaugh to take a permanent unpaid vacation, or at the very least, a prolonged siesta and/or dirt nap.
The Association of American Whack Jobs awarded Limbaugh 500 total banana-pants boing-boings for his wildly inaccurate analysis of the state of racial relations in America.
Though it does indeed remain unclear at what point the American Council of White People Stuff had a big ole meeting, whereupon it was decided that reparations for slavery would begin ... right now! ... and would take the form of Michelle's family vacation ... but no doubt that Limbaugh was in attendance. Sources indicate he may have been the only one.
Furthermore, reports indicate that The American Public's Non-White Community remains firm in its belief that it is not looking for financial restitution, as Limbaugh would have it, but to simply bring lingering white people along in the effort to advance and promote equality for all people, no matter what color their epidermis happens to be.
Perhaps the most resonant piece of news in this story is that, in an astounding display of irony, it appears that Rush Limbaugh is succeeding in uniting people of all varieties of race, religion, and creed around a single humanitarian enterprise: sending Rush Limbaugh on permanent unpaid vacation to a galaxy far, far away. (That doesn't emit radio frequencies.) The American Public is also considering Kanye West as a possible recipient of a space-flight. Results have yet to be determined.