03/18/2010 05:12 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

Tiger Woods Has Destroyed My Life

Tiger Woods has destroyed my life. According to reports, over the last few years, Tiger Woods has had extramarital affairs with Rachel Uchitel, Jaimee Grubbs, and Kalika Moquin - a trollop, a slut, and a common whore, respectively. We've been dealing with the news in our own ways - the weak have sobbed, the strong have poured their thoughts into their journals, and I've been unfairly lashing out at those I love.

To understand the enormity of this event, we have to remember Tiger Wood's (former) role as the last remaining symbol of Man's grace. Remember when he finished a staggering 19 under par at the 2000 Open Championship? After that sort of performance, one would be excused for exhibiting the behavior of a devil worshipper whose greatest pleasure is fondling human hearts.

But not Tiger. He was the consummate athlete. That's why, as a child, every Halloween my costume was Tiger Woods, greatest golfer on Earth. I didn't care that I was wearing black face. My admiration for Tiger meant far more than my local newspaper's accusations of racial insensitivity.

Though it wasn't just Tiger's golf game I admired; it was also his thriving personal life. Remember his wedding? What a truly joyous day it was! Fair Elin Nordegren doffed her bonnet, donned her mother's wedding dress, and took Tiger to be her husband. That night, Elin deflowered Tiger in what will remain the most beautiful sex act the world has never seen.

Soon Tiger's first child was born: the simply precious Sam Alexis. According to rumor, after Sam emerged from Elin's womb, Tiger transported her birth fluid to the desert, planted it in the sand, and in that very spot, a Christmas tree soon grew. And let's not forget her younger brother, little Charlie Axel. An old, stubborn father once saw Charlie try to ice skate and it inspired him to phone his disowned son.

That was the life of Tiger Woods that I knew... until today.

When I first heard the reports of Tiger's infidelity, I mistook it for the work of a parody website. "You got me good, Banana Peel dot com," I chuckled. But then Tiger released this statement:

I have let my family down and I regret those transgressions with all of my heart. I have not been true to my values and the behavior my family deserves. I am not without faults and I am far short of perfect.

I didn't want to believe those were Tiger's words, but I knew they had to be because they possessed the eloquence of a Greek bard. The news was the equivalent of learning that, every Saturday, Jesus Christ would go down to the docks, get drunk, and throw rocks through warehouse windows.

My first thought was to blame myself. I naively assumed Tiger's loins were controlled by the same part of his body that miraculously chipped golf balls out of the sand and fifty yards into the cup. Turns out Tiger's loins are just plain ol' human balls.

Soon, photos of his alleged mistress, NYC nightclub manager Rachel Uchitel, surfaced on the internet.


We can only assume she wears clothes because she's covered in scales and shades because her eyes glow red. I have it on good word that her favorite food is horse manure.

And then US Magazine reluctantly released the voicemail Tiger left on LA cocktail waitress Jaimee Grubbs's cell phone.


In the recording, Tiger tells Jaimee to remove her name from her outgoing voicemail message so Elin wouldn't know who Tiger had been calling. It's comforting to know that, even under the most trying circumstances, Tiger brilliantly remembered that the only way to find out who owns a cell phone number is through their outgoing message.

So here we are: residents of a world where Tiger Woods is nothing more than a greasy-haired panty chaser. It brings little consolation to consider what's left of his poor family: Elin's lot is to retire to the hills of Sweden, trying to stave the near constant temptation to commit suicide. Charlie Axel will grow up a beggar; Sam Alexis will fare inconsiderably better as a prostitute.

We are only left to pray that we've learned of the last of Tiger's transgressions, though deep down we know this is just the beginning. Do not be surprised if, in the next few moments, we hear Tiger Woods has hijacked a bus and plowed it into a shopping mall.