02/11/2013 01:36 pm ET Updated Apr 13, 2013

The 401st (K) Encyclical

When retirement cometh ensure thee that thy accumulation of wordly goods and chattels are in order as you standeth afore the almighty and his designee the IRS.

Contemplate the composition of those assets and asketh which may be upon drawn down in a way that liability to taxation applieth least. Ask not the money changers within the mighty temples that calleth themselves banks as they shall talk in tongues uttering the words alts and etfs, but instead ask guidance from your peers.

Alas, peers have you not as all those that have before you gone retireth not, but pass directly from employment to the benefit structure of a higher place. Verily, then, 'tis to thy community of human resources that though must turneth. An exit interview will requireth be in order to determine the reasons for your decision absent the the availability of a recent 360 degree peer review due to the non-participation of the Trinity to whom reporteth though.

Income, they will declare, is the issue; of your assets the IRS careth not, mortgages that reverseth are not in your future in and as a renter of real estate for many years the co-op board interview you may not pass. Thus by and by, your stipend of social security must for years last, it supplementeth savings such as you have gathered and any allowance that may have been made to you as the first such retiree, in as much as such scheme existeth. On the kindness of others you cannot rely although of your memoirs there may come much wealth and attendant speaking engagements.

A watch of gold may be awarded to you but attempt to sell it not unless it is engraved with the salutation "Ben" as there are so few "Benedicts" for whom attractive such a token would be.