10/20/2014 03:44 pm ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

Tailored Football Fans

Tim (not Marlon) Brando speaks beautifully

All of my football friends were out of town this weekend, and I can't stand to watch a game alone, so I decided to invite my tailors -- Wang, Patel and Rabinowitz -- over to watch some NFL action on Sunday. Also present was my niece, Natalie, who has no job or discernible talents, but is without a doubt the most opinionated person on the planet and is a big fan of brisket, which Rabinowitz always brings with him.

Below is an edited transcript of our discussion.

Rabinowitz: This Tim Brando seems like a very nice boy. His father Marlon was very handsome but Tim's diction is much better. Has anyone noticed that none of these men look like Vikings?

Natalie: Tim is Marlon's brother not his father, moron.

Patel: No matter what channel we watch, Phil Simms is on every show!

Wang: That was Boomer Esiason on the last show and the one before that was an old Robert Redford movie.

Natalie: That was Nick Nolte, you stupid idiot. And what's with these announcers wearing bow ties? That muscle bound guy probably wears velvet slippers and too much cologne. I love him.

Patel: A well-manicured man should be respected and revered.

Wang: I'd rather see no mustache at all than one well-trimmed. Mike Ditka needs a shave. He and Jim Rome look like the old and young Magnum P.I.

Natalie: Facial hair. So seventies. Ugh.

Rabinowitz: My brother Irving runs a darling little tailor shop in Boston's Back Bay. He makes custom hoodies for Bill Belichick. Hand stitched with working buttons. He's even got a special poly-wool blend for the bad weather games.

Patel: I'd never make a hoodie -- not even for Rex Ryan. I don't care for this Skip Bayless either. He knows less about fashion than he does about football.

Rabinowitz: I made a suit for Michael Strahan. You could stack encyclopedias on that tuchus.

Natalie: I think he and his fiancé broke up!

Me: I'm switching to CBS. I think Tony Romo is great.

Rabinowitz: Tony Rome is Sinatra's best movie!

Natalie: OMG! Jim Rome is the cute guy on television who's Frank Sinatra's illegitimate son with Woody Allen and Mia Farrow! When's he on?