THE BLOG
12/31/2014 06:29 pm ET Updated Mar 02, 2015

New Year's Resolutions Redux

PIKSEL via Getty Images

Hey -- we're not falling for the same hamster wheel trap again, where yet again another new year rolls around and one's guilty conscience from the long slide across the Thanksgiving table down to the last sip of bubbly forces us into the same New Year's resolutions yet again. Despite the fact that our waistlines are higher than our IQs, we are prepared to make a real change in 2015. We've finally been paying attention, so forget the perfect bodies that will adorn fitness and entertainment sites this January. They will not intimidate us! We've chosen resolutions for 2015 that we know will actually make an impact!

  1. Get my own reality show. I'm as much of a train wreck as any of the other idiots on television. Why do they get to share their dysfunctional behavior on multiple platforms? (Also might be the only way to make a living.) I can out-fail these second rate wannabes with my eyes closed. Where's my paycheck?
  2. Hack a major media organization. It's time to take my prominence as a world player using the ammunition of embarrassing emails and taunting as if I were living in my mother's basement. Possibly attack some unsuspecting agri-corp and prevent the marketing of their -- let's say -- marmalade. Hold for ransom. (Might be good way to make a living.) I watch enough news shows to see that blaming backward fascist dictatorships for one's misdeeds seems to work quite well. I think the marmalade incident will be the work of Equatorial Guinea. The FBI will confirm it by finding the expression "goat thief" in several lines of code.
  3. Start a bank. (It seems the only way to make a living.) I know nothing about finance and have lost millions so I feel qualified.
  4. Run for Congress and win. Campaigning on a platform of ignorance is strength seems a no-brainer and a win-win, if by the second win you understand I mean everyone else except me gets screwed. Also, it's the only guaranteed way to get good health care. I'll look for the youth vote. I'll work out all day, read nothing yet be wildly arrogant. Also I'll interrupt everyone who speaks to me constantly, but will cry about ethics and decorum when I'm interrupted. Bam!
  5. Start fracking. (It seems the only ways to make a living.) Make sure I frack everywhere except my own backyard.
  6. Launch a political action committee that raises billions of dollars which are ultimately untraceable and violates most established laws. Pay politicians to eliminate regulation of Quinoa industry. Buy quinoa industry.
  7. Build a massive pipeline carrying toxic material. Make sure it is funded by the American people. Also make sure that it runs in a circle.
  8. Start my own media empire. Hire only sycophantic imbeciles, yet make sure they are all attractive sycophantic imbeciles. (This might be only way to make a living and get health care.) Buy out all media distribution services so that I'm not only the smartest one in the room but in fact everyone's room. Make sure annoying intelligent responses are privately bought out, absorbed, cancelled and/or dropped.
  9. Choose a cause I know nothing about. Adhere to it with total zealotry. Fundraise constantly. (Might be only way to make a living.)
  10. Lose 10 pounds.
  11. Push political correctness even further. Make sure that conversations, ideas and the right to free thought comes completely to an end. And that being said -- this is the last thing I will write.