06/18/2014 11:18 am ET Updated Aug 17, 2014

Sacrifices of the 1%

Akin to the suffering of middle class and poor families in these difficult economic times, the one percent are struggling as well behind their gilded walls and mother-of-pearl-lined pools. We have documented several of these cases for the public record from an elaborate hidden network of trusted personal assistants, computer hacking and gossip:

  • Sheila sells a kidney to maintain the Bentley lease for another 18 months.
  • Rather than sell the country house, Harold agrees to shop at Ralph's instead of importing live grass-fed beef to his personal butcher.
  • Chauncey withdraws his son from Hotchkiss and enrolls him in a public school rather than selling the Patek watch.
  • Cecilia reduces house staff from 18 to six in order to maintain Lincoln Center patron status.
  • Freddy sells Gulfstream IV to travel exclusively in first three rows of Jet Blue flights for his family of four.
  • Gregory threatens suicide but can't move ahead without personal assistant to write note after layoff.
  • To subsidize increasing property taxes, Martha forces personal chef to grow vegetables alongside outbuildings.
  • The Lamont's force their interior decorator to paint all 28 rooms in mansion beige for bulk paint discount