09/28/2015 08:41 am ET Updated Sep 28, 2016

The Boys

There are four boys in my life; none truly boys at all. I don't think of them this way, especially now that they are all grown men with tremendous hearts and spirit. I never knew...maybe I kind of knew but had not really ever plumbed the depths of connection like now; except for my husband, my main big boy who shows me his devotion and steadfastness daily.

I didn't sleep well yet again; last night being a particularly brief night, morning came early and I had plenty of time for catching up. We never know what our day will bring or how it will end. The universe smiles, maybe shares a giggle or two. Today I had the privilege to talk to my father, my brother, my husband and son. I didn't think I had it in me to talk and share and listen since my energy flags so easily these days. I thought I knew how and when I would struggle or find joy. I had a crystal ball teeming with projections, assumptions and expectations. I just let it go and listened.

In between all four chats I spent the day in private retreat semi-unplugged; meditating, reading and underlining meaningful passages of profound thought; admitting admiringly of others. It's a way to grow and synthesize my consciousness. I watched YouTube videos of inspired, powerful Buddhist women leaders; then spent time with many of these women, all of whom arrived in the form of a book, Dakini Power, by Michaela Haas, Ph.D. which added more inspiration to the day. This spontaneous personal retreat in process propelled my positive energy to expand. It gave me ground; a receptivity to let in the love around me; take focus off me; cancer treatments, doctors, mortality, pain and the difficult and quixotic 'energy of transition' with which I must sit.

Today became larger and sweeter because I let positive male and female energy into my life and allowed them to create balance. I allowed my inner space to remain unoccupied...yet it became paradoxically full. It's all a continuation of my physical and spiritual healing; sometimes supported by herbs, sometimes big pharma, sometimes just breath -- yet always love. I reach out to living large in my small way. If life is about living I want to remember how.