09/29/2015 04:10 pm ET Updated Sep 29, 2016

Through the Feelings, Toward Light

Today's my birthday and for the record, please note that I am not the celebrating type when it comes to this day. I prefer quiet, reflective, spontaneous moments honoring my gift of life. There is a family story that when I was three years old I hid under the dining room table in our Brooklyn apartment while all my neighborhood friends sang "Happy Birthday". I cried. Overwhelmed? I don't really remember...but being the focus of attention was perhaps too much.
Let's cut fifty years hence and witness a totally different perspective of self-celebration and absorbing the loving wishes of family, friends and lovely acquaintances...absorbing it fully as if it was the best medicine in the world.

Last night, after a visit to my oncologist's office discussing possible treatment, I went online to research treatment options for my artfully challenging blood cancer. My bad.

I crawled into an emotional hole of fear - terror to be accurate. I lost it. The internet can be both our friend and foe. I cried a lot... projecting a sour-smelling future as I absorbed stories of others not directly applicable to my scenario and felt sucker punched. All of a sudden this cancer concept was becoming more real and I'll be honest - I had a full-on melt down. Thank goddess for my loving, supportive husband who held my hand, stayed with me and pulled me up with spirit and love. I was bawling, "NO, NO, NO, I can't celebrate my birthday tomorrow; how can I possibly celebrate?" Once again my three-year-old little girl couldn't muster up the emotional strength to reframe her worldview and shift into a mode of gratitude. At least not yet...

My own 'miracle' began upon rising this morning. Peeking at online Facebook posts drew me not only to sweet messages of birthday love but also to "spirit focused" posts in my newsfeed that I normally might whip past and ignore. Somehow I intuitively knew to actively focus on climbing the ladder of light and love and consciously re-configure my day to make it joyful. Thank you to Iyanla Vasant, Phillip Moffit, and Don Miguel Ruiz. I drank from the chalice of enlightenment and absorbed their messages of gratitude, didn't take things personally, didn't make assumptions, did my best and allowed reminders of self-compassion to infuse my psyche and cells. Better than any Western medicine for now. Et voila...

My fears and projections of a disempowered future melted away. I actively did a 'shake and stir' with my neurotransmitters and shifted the experience of sadness to hope and re-established my own concept of faith; visualizing new chapters of possibilities. What a salve; the combination of exercising muscles of active awareness and allowing the cyber-sermons of positive thinkers guide me into the sunlight. I'm feeling hopeful about the future, soaking up the sunny day with loving thoughts toward everyone.

Life can be challenging. Life can be grand. It is in our power to co-create our thoughts and feelings with conscious awareness. We can practice "love as medicine" while reaching toward the proverbial light, rewriting our personal narrative. It is helpful to remember our personal power so we may compose our own realities and honor our days on these bodies.