Creative writing is easy, and anyone can do it. All you have to do is follow these simple steps:
Form a Brilliant Idea
Perform menial tasks... shampoo your hair, sit in traffic, etc. That's when the magic happens. The most unique, incredible idea you've ever had is guaranteed to you like a ton of bricks. How has no one else ever thought of this before?
Feel The Adrenaline Surge
Your heart will beat through your chest as you dash to your laptop. Your fingers won't be able to keep up with the flurry of ideas pouring out. This needs to get out of your brain, onto paper, and out to the people as fast as possible. The world needs this!
Get So, So Close
Once you get about three-quarters of the way through, your wrists will start cramping up and your brain will come down from its original high. Twist your wrists around, maybe organize your desk drawer or check your Facebook feed for the 20th time. Do whatever it takes to try and ignore the fact that your well of ideas is drying up fast.
Come to A Screeching Halt
You stand up. You sit back down. You get up and pace around the room. Desperately search for the perfect conclusion -- a conclusion as strong as your brilliant idea deserves. It won't come. You've hit the wall face first. How the hell is this thing going to end?
Re-read what you've written somewhere between 147 and 2 million times. Focus on one sentence in particular for hours on end. Contemplate giving up entirely. This part is important: doubt your ability as a writer, and consider other job options. Think about how great it would be to work as a Subway sandwich artist instead--to just be able to clock out and leave it all behind. Then go back to your document, not blinking for minutes on end, but adding nothing to the page. Is this idea even any good? Why would anyone read this and give a shit?
Power Through It
Somehow, someway, you finish it. Stare at it proudly. Send it to a couple of trusted friends for their input. They'll love it. You are now armed with the confidence to post give your brilliant, creative gift to the world. Send it out, and crack a victory beer in a huge sigh of relief. Hell yeah.
Consider Checking Into a Mental Asylum
Now that it's out in the world and you've had a little break from it, give your piece another read. You're going to find a glaring spelling error -- on the sentence you had read 235,943 times. Flip your desk over in a fit of rage and start throwing anything you can get your hands on. Show just enough restraint not to break your laptop into a thousand pieces.
Await Next Brilliant Idea
Thanks for reading! I'm writing a book of funny short stories I hope to publish in early 2016 -- the perfect toilet read. One laugh per dump, guaranteed. Learn more on my website. I also write open letters to strangers, and toured as a stand-up comedian.