08/11/2014 02:43 pm ET Updated Oct 11, 2014

Captain Conservative vs. the Marvel Universe

Marvel Will Introduce a Female Thor This Fall -- the New York Times

Captain Conservative here. By day, I'm a mild mannered cable TV reporter for Fox News. By night, I'm a masked vigilante fighting for truth, justice, and traditional family values. And my bionic eyes don't like what they see going on in the Marvel Universe.

First they announce they're going to make Thor a girl! Thor may have long, golden blond tresses--get a haircut, hippie!--but he's all man. I happen to know both Jane Foster and Lady Sif are satisfied customers. Girls know nothing about tools. What's a girl going to do with Thor's sacred Uru hammer, Mjolnir--make crafts with it and sell them on Etsy? Thor fought Kurse--he didn't have one. I bet there are thunderstorms every time she gets her period.

Then they announce they're going to make Captain America black! No offense to the Negroes, but they can't make Captain America black! There's no black in red, white, and blue--just like there should be no black in the White House. There are plenty of perfectly fine black superheroes--Black Panther, Black Goliath, Black Bolt. The spearchuckers should be content with those, and leave our Cap alone. (By the way, I think Spearchucker would be an excellent name for a black superhero.) I know Sam Wilson, AKA the Falcon, has been waiting in line for a long time--he used Affirmative Action to cut ahead of Bucky--but the guy talks to birds! What's he going to do as Captain America--turn bad guys into fried chicken?

Then they announce they're going to make Iron Man go bad. Friends, this is no less than an attack on the free enterprise system. And you can't have freedom without free enterprise. Tony Stark, Iron Man's alter ego, is a filthy rich capitalist! And he made that money the old fashioned way--by inheriting it from his Dad. (I'm wondering if Mitt Romney is secretly Tony Stark. Have you ever seen the two of them together?) By making Tony Stark a bad guy, they're saying capitalism is bad. And to prove their point, from now on they're going to give Iron Man comic books and movie tickets away for free.

I should have seen this coming. Previously they made Thor's buddy, Heimdall, black. There are no black Asgardians! They are advanced alien race that live in another dimension and have tools and weapons that give them godlike powers. I'm sorry, but making one of them black strains credibility.

Then they made Iron Man's archenemy, the Mandarin, white, and a Brit to boot! The Mandarin isn't white--he's yellow! As in Yellow Peril. Sure they got Academy Award-winning actor Ben Kingsley to play him, but what does a white guy know about being inscrutable? Frankly, he seemed more like Ringo Starr than Mr. Ten-Rings-Of-Death.

Then they made Spider-Man Hispanic! Excuse me, was Cucaracha Man already taken? Your Latin types may have sticky fingers, but they're no good at sticking to walls. Hispanics can only be gang members, drug lords, and comic relief.

Then they made Ms. Marvel a Muslim! Superheroes can't be Muslims--only supervillains. Superheroes can only be Christian. (Yes, I know Kitty Pryde and the Thing are of the Hebrew persuasion, but they'll come around--trust me. And personally I don't buy that the Thing is Jewish. The moyel would have to use a chisel. Think about it.) Not many people realize it, but Jesus Christ was the first superhero. He had magical powers like walking on water and turning bad guys into loaves of bread and fishes. That's why He wore a Superman S on His chest in Godspell.

Friends, this is no less than an attack on American family values. I could ignore it when Northstar got gay married. After all, he's French Canadian--they're all a little light in the loafers, if you know what I mean. But I can't stand by when American superheroes are tampered with. It's like saying they changed the color of the Hulk from gray to green to gray again to green again to red--it just doesn't happen. (What's next--a chartreuse Hulk? How about plaid?)

Superheroes are suppose to represent America. And just like superheroes, America hasn't changed one iota since the Golden Age of the 1940s, when superheroes were invented. Don't give me polls or demographics--I'm invulnerable to facts. That's my superpower. I'm surrounded by an invisible force field that repels all new information.

Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to get back to Fox News. There are a whole bunch of innocent souls that need protection from the depredations of reality. I will transport them back in time to a halcyon era when men were men, women were women, and minorities knew their place. Up, up, and away back!