06/26/2013 01:55 pm ET Updated Aug 26, 2013

Cheney vs. Snowden, No Holds Barred

VENTURA: Welcome, fight fans, to another exciting edition of Extreme Political Wrestling. I'm your host, Jesse "The Body" Ventura--

HEENAN: And I'm your color commentator, Bobby "The Brain" Heenan.

VENTURA: We've got a real slobberknocker for you tonight--it's a Hong Kong grudge match between Dick "Dr. Death" Cheney and Edward "The Truth" Snowden. That's right--the Prince of Darkness versus the Arrogant Systems Administrator! It should be a great one!

HEENAN: Don't forget the special guest referee, the Heavyweight Champion of the Free World, Barack "Bam Bam" Obama!

VENTURA: Yes, I think it's safe to say these three men don't like each other. Cheney and Obama's rivalry is well documented, going all the way back to the Chosen One's first run at the title. More recently, Snowden has injured Obama's popularity with embarrassing revelations about electronic surveillance programs. It should be an interesting match--anything can happen! Wait! Here comes Cheney!

As the Evil Empire theme from Star Wars plays, Cheney rolls into the ring in a mechanized wheelchair.

CHENEY: I will break you!

HEENAN: And here comes Snowden!

As Neo's theme from The Matrix plays, Snowden swaggers into the ring holding a Rubik's cube.

SNOWDEN: Go for it!

VENTURA: And here's our referee!

As "Secret Agent Man" plays, Obama strides into the ring wearing a black and white striped shirt.

OBAMA: I want a good, clean fight. I look forward to a serious debate about these important national security issues.

Both Snowden and Cheney glare at Obama.

VENTURA: There's the bell! Cheney's wasting no time! He's hitting Snowden head-on with accusations of treason! That carries the death penalty!

HEENAN: But Snowden is a master of verbal jujitsu! He's throwing Cheney's own words back at him! He says it's an honor to be accused of treason by Cheney!

VENTURA: Cheney's no slouch in the verbal jujitsu department himself. He maintains an impenetrable aura of infallibility, despite repeatedly being proved wrong. Words just bounce off him! He's not backing off--he's insinuating Snowden is a spy for the Chinese!

HEENAN: That's classic Cheney! He has no evidence to back that claim up, but that doesn't stop him from making it!

Obama bangs Cheney and Snowden's heads together.

VENTURA: Double noggin knocker! It looks like the ref has had enough!

OBAMA: I said a serious debate! No low blows or cheap shots!

HEENAN: We knew this was bound to happen! It's all breaking down now! They're both attacking Obama!

VENTURA: Cheney's going after Obama's soft spot, claiming he's soft on terrorism!

HEENAN: And Snowden's going after Obama's weakened left side, accusing him of hypocrisy! He says he sees no difference between Obama and George "The Party Animal" Bush! That's gotta hurt!

Obama jumps up and kicks both Cheney and Snowden in the face.

VENTURA: Double flying drone drop kick! He's taken both of them out! He's ringing the bell!

OBAMA: I'm calling this match a double disqualification. Neither of you two jabronies are entitled to speak out on national security issues.

SNOWDEN: But I'm a highschool dropout who volunteered for Iraq because I wanted to "liberate" people, and voted for libertarian crank Ron Paul!

CHENEY: And I'm an all-around terrible human being who only has empathy for his lesbian daughter.

SNOWDEN: If we're not qualified to speak out on national security issues, then who is?

OBAMA: I am.

SNOWDEN: Who are you?

CHENEY: Yeah, tough guy, who are you?

OBAMA: Two-time Heavyweight Champion of the Free World, if you smell what I'm cooking. Look, there's always going to be tension between secrecy and democracy. A policeman's job is only easy in a police state. But if you want less terrorism and fewer wars, you need better intelligence. If the American people don't like the tradeoffs I'm making, they can vote somebody else in in 2016, at the next Wallopalooza (available on pay-per-view, get your tickets now). Now if you'll excuse me, I have important work to do keeping the American people both safe and free.

Obama clotheslines Cheney and Snowden, leaving them gasping on the mat.

CHENEY: My heart!

SNOWDEN: Where's the nearest airport?

Obama strides out of the ring to "I Spy For The FBI."

HEENAN: What a gyp! I had money riding on Cheney! Young and snotty is no match for old and treacherous!

VENTURA: Well, that's all we have time for tonight, fight fans! Tune in next week, when we'll have a rematch between Cheney and Snowden--provided we can find him. In the meantime, remember real world compromises are infinitely more complex than the simplistic black and white scenarios of professional wrestling or the news media! Good night!