02/20/2013 01:59 pm ET Updated Apr 22, 2013

'Breaking News'


Members of the NRA armed with assault rifles entered the House of Representatives today and took over the Speaker's platform, pushing Representative Boehner to the floor. Claiming that such weapons were constitutionally mandated in order to maintain a well-regulated militia, the NRA spokesman added that Terrorists, Looters, and Liberal-Socialist politicians would now learn the consequences of trying to suspend Constitutional rights in a free society. Amid screams of horror, the intruders proceeded to open fire on Democratic Congressmen, leaving bodies strewn about the chamber. The shooting stopped only after Capitol Police had cuffed and disarmed them, and led them from the premises.

Within minutes, a vote was undertaken by the terrified Congressmen to ban assault rifles from every State in the Union. The motion failed. The tally was 50 Republicans Yea; 181 Republicans Nay; Democrats 0. NRA Executive Director, Wayne LePierre, professed himself to be "well-pleased" with the result.

NOTE: This piece is satirical. All quotations are fabrications for the purpose of satire.