06/30/2006 01:56 pm ET Updated May 25, 2011

Duodecimal Warming

Directive from the Librarian of Congress to all staff librarians and cataloguers:

It has grown increasingly clear that the "inconvenient truths" of climate change have made some titles in our library system seem inaccurate or confusing to our readers. Although we cannot completely alter a bibliographical system that contains 130 million items on 530 miles of bookshelves, this memo authorizes each head librarian to rename the following titles in the
card catalogue:

The Snows of Kilamanjaro<The Slush of Kilimajaro
Tender is the Night<Torrid is the Night
Light in August<Dazzling in August
The Grapes of Wrath<The Raisins of Wrath
The Good Earth<The Good Swamp
The Sun Also Rises<The Sun Also Parches
The Iceman Cometh<The Iceman Melteth
Desire Under the Elms<Desire Under the Stumps
Ah, Wilderness!<Ah, Fallowness!
The Winds of War<The Tornadoes of War
Lydie Breeze<Lydie Hurricane
Feast or Famine<Famine or Famine
From Here to Eternity<From Here to 2016
Mr. Sammler's Planet<Mr. Sammler's Dead Planet

The following books, maintaining their original titles, should have a prominent place in the display cases:

Big River
The Long Hot Summer
Henderson the Rain King
The Perfect Storm
Tropic of Cancer
The Wasteland

Additional note to the catering staff: Iceberg lettuce and Thousand Island Dressing should be removed from the menu and no longer served in the library cafeteria.