02/05/2009 11:09 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

Finally, a Plan I Can Bank On

A year ago last February, to get same the protection from litigation voted by Congress, I declared myself a telephone company. NoTel proudly lived up to our snappy motto - "Where You Come First. (And by 'You,' I mean me.)"

Seeing the many billions of dollars of bailout money going to banks with utterly no requirement of fiscal responsibility, I am announcing today my personal expansion into finance, making me America's first full-service telephone and banking institution.

Welcome to the Bank of Bob. Member FDIC (pending). "We Know No Shame."

At the Bank of Bob, we believe it's in your best interest for us to be constantly improving, and that's why there is no expense we won't spend. Yet every dime is protected by the full faith and credit of the United States government. So your investment with The BOB is perfectly safe. Worried we might overspend our limit? Not a problem: we just apply to the federal treasury for more. Which means there is no limit.

When we need a retreat to get away from daily pressures and prepare strategies in our client's best interest, we give you our guarantee it will be done. No matter how far we have to travel or how costly the accommodations , no expense is too great to keep your interest safe.

If we need to take corporate jets, we promise to do so, because getting to our destination fast and starting planning fast is also in your best interest. And don't you worry about the cost - we're not! It's covered by the federal government.

Know, too, that the home office of the Bank of Bob will be state of the art, beautifully designed, with a brand new 52" LCD-TV and home theater in the den and in your best interest, because we understand that all people work best in comfortable, beautiful surroundings. We will spare no expense when protecting your money.

And rest assured when something like a Super Bowl party is needed to help solidify business relationships and raise employee spirits (essential at bad times and justified in good), it is our pledge The BOB will always be there partying in your interest.

But most important, the professional staff of The BOB serving your interest will always be of the very highest quality, because we insist on paying bonuses that far exceed the industry standard. Whether or not a profit was made to deserve such bonuses, without such a high-paid staff, it could have been worse. That's why it's all in your interest. And besides, if no profit was made, our high-quality staff knows how to just get a new bailout, which will then put us in profit.

You have our solemn oath to justify everything, no matter how outlandish.

At The Bank of Bob, we know that some people consider many such actions to be irresponsible, stupid, shameful. But none of these people are actual, currently-employed bankers who understand the needs of the industry, just like we do, now that we are officially a bank. Outside watchdogs of the banking community may claim expertise, but it takes inside knowledge to understand fully how and where to spend massive influxes of money. That's where you can trust The BOB.

Remember, when you trust your money to a bank that refuses to accept the meaning of the word "shame," you know there is nothing we won't do for your money. Other businesses are guided by principles, which set artificial limits. Other businesses have independent boards of directors and standards of corporate governance. At The BOB, we understand inconveniences merely get in the way. These are the solid, time-tested banking guidelines we operate by. We have turned shameless into an art. All in your best interest.

You can trust the Bank of Bob. What others see as reckless, we see as opportunity. This is money at stake. Big Money. What is the government going to do? Let us f ail?! That's why your money is safe with us, whatever we do. Shame only gets in the way.

Deposit your savings with The BOB - we don't pay you any interest, but you'll get it all back. Can the stock market make the same offer? If you need a loan, the only collateral you need is the amount you want to borrow. That's why you know we'll always be safe and solvent. With no risk, and all that investment accruing interest for us, you know your bank is making money hand over fist, and that means more safety and peace of mind for you!

So, come to the Bank of Bob. The Friendly Bank. Where your money is safe, no matter what in God's name we do with it.

Disclaimer: The Bank of Bob is not affiliated with the Arizona Diamondbacks, which used to play at the Bank One Ballpark, also known as The BOB, until they changed their name.