03/04/2015 12:26 pm ET Updated May 04, 2015

Just One More, Slight Bill O'Reilly Correction...

I saw a billboard on Monday for an upcoming TV movie, Killing Jesus. I assume this is based on the book by Bill O'Reilly as part of his "Killing Famous People in History" series.

Checking around the Internet, I noticed that in conjunction with the TV movie, the book's publisher has put out a press release with a few corrections for the latest paperback edition. According to the company --

  • Mr. O'Reilly did not, in fact, speak with Jesus Christ just prior to His being led out to the cross, and therefore the statement that the Savior touched the author upon the head and anointed Bill O'Reilly as the Greatest Newsman Mankind Has Ever Known did not occur precisely as reported. Mr. O'Reilly did in fact speak to Jesus, though it was in his prayers several thousand years later. He was in delicate negations at the time for a particularly large contract extension, which he told the Almighty he deserved for being the Greatest Newsman Ever.
  • Bill O'Reilly does not have the exact receipt from the caterer of The Last Supper and has no direct knowledge of the meal's cost, and if hummus and pita chips were served. His information is based on the Mediterranean Diet which was served at a junket Mr. O'Reilly attended in 2004. The "Bill" he was referring to was his first name.
  • Mr. O'Reilly did not overhear Judas say, "The bastards only gave me 18 pieces of silver. If I'd have known they'd stiff me for the other 12, I never would have betrayed the Lord for that. Jesus Christ, what do you take me for?" This was a mis-translation of a quote in a document the author found on a vacation to Crete, stuck in the hotel room Bible.
  • Mr. O'Reilly did not have bricks thrown at him by angry hordes while covering the jury trial of Jesus. In point of fact, Jesus did not have a jury trial of his peers since, being the Son of God, He had no peers. The trial being referred to was that of Gary Fitzgerald, a deluded homeless man who claimed to be Jesus and had caused a disturbance in a local Denver McDonalds. Mr. O'Reilly didn't specifically attend the trial, but read wire-service stories which alluded to the Colorado courthouse being made of brick and in disrepair, such that part of a ledge broke off and fell, almost hitting a couple of pedestrians.

Left out of the press release was any mention of who Mr. O'Reilly was able to keep his job, in light of at least several fabrications of his past reports of his personal activity, including supposedly being in danger covering the Falklands War and the L.A. Riots, both since discredited by fellow-colleagues who were there. While NBC suspended their anchor Brian Williams for six months for stories that were inconsistent though at least based on truth, Bill O'Reilly has continued to stay on the air at "Fox News."

However, a Fox spokesperson did release a comment. "Bill O'Reilly has not been suspended for fabricating stories, because he was doing nothing other than following the policy of 'Fox News.'"

Statements and quotes are fictional for the purpose of satire.


To read more from Robert J. Elisberg about this or many other matters both large and tidbit small, see Elisberg Industries.