THE BLOG
01/15/2015 11:54 am ET Updated Mar 17, 2015

The Magical World of Mitt Romney

ASSOCIATED PRESS

On Wednesday, as Mitt Romney potentially prepared for another run at the Republican nomination for president, his aides were out roaming the nooks and crannies, trying to drum up support. And in an interview with the Boston Globe, one of the former GOP nominee's "longtime advisers" told the paper that if Mitt Romney had been elected president, rather than having been voted to defeat by the American public --

"There wouldn't be an ISIS at all."

Go figure. But believe it or not, it got even better than that. Because the adviser went on -- "and Putin would know his place in life. Domestically, things would be in better shape,"

Now, I'm sure that longtime adviser felt pretty darn good sashaying around, swaggering and letting his manhood sway, proclaiming out loud to a reporter in total, protected anonymity that the powerful, strong-arm leader of Russia would "know his place in life," although I do suspect that Vladimir Putin has a pretty good sense of his place in life, and I'm not quite sure what Mitt Romney would do either in person or anonymity to teach Mr. Putin a thing or two, other than risk starting war. But the anonymous longtime adviser seems to have a pretty good idea, so I guess we just have to trust it the same as we did Richard Nixon's "secret plan" to end the Vietnam War back in 1968, which only took five years to come to light in the manner of a peace treaty.

As for putting things better shape domestically, that too is...well, hmm, okay, I'm not quite sure about that one because things have improved pretty darn well. Unemployment has plummeted to 5.8 percent, lower even than the 6 percent Mr. Romney promised. Indeed, that's the lowest it's been in almost seven years since the economy collapsed under George W. Bush. Furthermore, jobs have increased for 53 straight months. And the budget deficit has dropped to $486 billion, down from $1.4 trillion the year President Obama took office.

But still, I keep going back to that first Really Big Claim. If Mitt Romney hadn't lost the election, but had actually won and become president, then -- then --

"There wouldn't be an ISIS at all."

I sit back and read that -- "There wouldn't be an ISIS at all" -- and I have to admit that my first thought was, "Oh, just shut up already."

I mean, seriously, guy, you lost. You lost even though by all rights that was a year Republicans should have won. You lost because the voters thought you were an opportunist, changing his position at the drop of a nickel, who didn't care about 47 percent of the country and who had positions that (when they could be deciphered) the majority of American voters disapproved of. So, really, enough, just shut up already. You have nothing to brag about.

But then, no, I stopped a moment and thought about it some more. And I realized that the anonymous longtime adviser had a point. Mitt Romney can do just about anything. He can teach the Russian leader his place in life, He can fix an economy that got fixed without him even having to do anything. That's almost magical. And not only can he therefore probably make it so that there wouldn't be an ISIS at all -- poof, abracadabra, gone -- but just think of all the other great, remarkable things that would have happened by now...if only Mitt Romney had been elected president of the United States.

  • The price of gas would have dropped to1.99 a gallon.
  • North Korea today would be a democracy.
  • Hatred and racism would have been disappeared from all mankind.
  • We would still have soldiers on the ground in Iraq, though to be clear the Iraq War would be over.
  • Cancer would now be eradicated.
  • Your weekly pay would have tripled.
  • No more taxes.
  • The U.S. budget would by now have a2.6 trillion profit.
  • Gum drops would be growing from gum drop trees.
  • Dinosaurs would have been brought back to life, but safely on an island without the screw-ups on Jurassic Park.
  • The Chicago Cubs would have won the World Series.
  • Stephen Colbert would still be hosting The Colbert Report. And taking over for David Letterman.
  • Saturated fat has now become good for you.
And 47 percent of the country still wouldn't trust him.

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To read more from Robert J. Elisberg about this or many other matters both large and tidbit small, see Elisberg Industries.