02/29/2012 10:48 am ET Updated Apr 30, 2012

Outlaw Masturbation: Vote Santorum

Rick Santorum is not only anti-abortion and anti-contraception. Rick Santorum is anti-climax.

He has actually rejected the idea that "you have the right to consensual sex within your home." No joke, you can Google it.

As someone who zealously regards sex as abhorrent, Santorum would be our first openly anti-sex president.

Once he's done reversing Roe v. Wade and then doing away with contraception, it only follows that President Santorum's next logical step towards a sex-free republic would be to criminalize masturbation.

That's right. No more jerking off, America. No more wanking, diddling or whacking. No more beating the meat, rubbing one out or spanking the monkey. And that goes for you women too. Sales of vibrators and dildos would be illegal. (Guns would still be OK, though, as long as they're not used to pleasure yourself.)

The again, maybe it's just as well. After all, look at the trouble that beating off brings to bear. Anthony Wiener would be New York City's next mayor if it weren't for his trafficking in those lewd photos and texts he needed to fuel his masturbatory frenzy.

Let's face it, for years we've been taught that masturbation is wrong. Parents used to routinely warn their teenage boys that if they kept masturbating they'd go blind. (To which the frequent response was: "Well, can't I at least do it until I need glasses?")

So what will President Santorum's self-sex abolition mean to all the masturbators out there? (And you know who you are.)

It's going to be hard. Especially for those who believe an erection is a terrible thing to waste. As Woody Allen once said, "Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone that I love."

But, as another famous Republican used to advise, "just say no." Any time you're about to choke the chicken or reach for your pocket rocket, ask yourself this: Is yet another explosive orgasm really worth going to jail for? (Maybe Santorum could spend some quality time behind bars himself to see what reportedly goes on there. I bet he'd put a quick end to that!)

The best bet is to avoid any and all temptation. Say goodbye to dirty magazines. Farewell to online porn. Hell, don't even keep any Vaseline or Victoria's Secret catalogs in the house.

The truth is that no one ever wants to "get caught" masturbating anyway. But with Santorum's Law, solo sex will now carry consequences far graver than embarrassment. He'll probably even penalize repeat offenders with a Megan's Law for wankers. Wearing a big scarlet "M" would warn your law-abiding neighbors that you've tampered with your own genitals.

On the other hand, it's likely that Santorum's legislation will be met with stiff resistance. After all, data clearly shows that at least 76% of people admit to masturbating regularly. They're certainly not going to stand for having their hands tied. Occupy Times Square.

It's time we put pleasure back in its rightful place: nowhere. Vote Santorum to outlaw masturbation now!

Up next: oral sex.