If I could find myself in an alternate universe, there would be all the men I love -- and in this alternate universe all these men I love would find me irresistible and they wouldn't be married. And we would rip our clothes off and make passionate love and then we would talk and eat and laugh, because I find laughing so incredibly sexy.
This is my (short) list of the men I wildly desire:
1. Jon Stewart
2. Chris Rock
3. Louis C.K.
4. Stephen Colbert
5. Barack Obama
6. George Clooney
7. Mel Brooks
Yes, Mel Brooks. He has been hilarious for over 2,000 years.
I know that this list is missing most of the "sexiest men alive" group: Brad Pitt, Denzel Washington, Ryan Gosling, Javier Bardem, etc., and believe me, if I met any of them in my alternate universe and for some ridiculous reason they wanted me (well it wouldn't be ridiculous at all since it's an alternate universe), I would definitely not refuse them. But truthfully, they're not that funny. The ones I desire are funny -- okay, maybe not Barack Obama, but he's got a great laugh, which is also important.
Jon has kept us sane through numerous elections, wars, the economic meltdown of 2008, tsunamis, earthquakes, horrible school shootings, George Bush (twice), by finding -- miraculously -- a reason to laugh, even in the darkest of times. I think that is the greatest gift anyone can give you.
I'm sure that at home he's just like everyone else, not that funny and he doesn't do the dishes. And I know he has a big team of writers, but remember during the writer's strike, he came back on the air and though I hate to admit it (I am a member of the Writers Guild) he was just as funny.
Once, I sat next to him at a coffee house and he was there, wearing his little suit and tie, reading The New York Times, drinking coffee and eating a bagel (actually who remembers what he was eating). I was just so mesmerized by his being right there. Right next to me. I kept thinking "I love you, Jon, I love you..." but I wouldn't dare invade his privacy.
Jon, I do love you. And I really don't know how you manage to find humor in the darkest of times, but you do. Actually, I do know about humor in dark times, but it is a gift and you are loaded with it. And sanity. It's sexy. I am so grateful to you.
You have said that you talk about politics and current events in your shows, but it's the jokes about marriage and relationships that fill the concert halls. And you are who I turn to for laughs about love (well, actually everything -- you're that funny.)
One day last summer, I was riding my bicycle in Tribeca and you were standing on a corner. We caught each other's eye and I smiled and you gave me a big smile back. I almost drove into a pole. You are so handsome and I just know that we communicated the following:
Me: You are a freaking comic genius and I adore you. And I would love to sleep with you.
Chris: Thank you and you're very hot. I'd be happy to sleep with you too.
I recently discovered Louis during a very sad time, right after Hurricane Sandy and right before the death of a very close friend.
Louis is a brilliant observer of human behavior and masturbation. I mean, what else is there? He is hilariously honest and overweight, and excessively sweaty -- and those traits have never really turned me on before, but with Louis, it works. He is a sex symbol. And a dad. He's brilliant and funny and we want to have sex with him. Okay, maybe not all of us, but many of my friends agree: Louis, you are hot.
You just are wacky and I love you. I can't stay up late enough to watch your show, but whenever I do see you, you make me laugh. You're weird. You're kooky. You're silly. Okay, I don't really want to have sex with you, honestly, but I would definitely love to fool around and maybe see where that might lead.
President Barack Obama:
You have the toughest job in the world while you're busy chomping Nicorette gum (been there) and somehow you manage to look sexy dealing with the House and the Senate and though you certainly are not perfect (drones should be boring bosses, not yet another way to inflict collateral damage on the innocents), you still come across as a tall, sexy, mensch.
I just love you. And Michelle too.
Okay, you're really too attractive for your own good. But what is really appealing about you is your compassion and your sense of humor. You are self-deprecating and charming. And you know it. I would definitely want to sleep with you asap, but you always seem to be dating tall, young, stunning women who are half my age. And your age. I love you anyway. And I would love to take a trip to Sudan, or the Congo, or your house in Italy. I am a humanitarian myself, besides just wanting to sleep with you. You should run for president or senator.
One of the funniest, sexiest men alive. Truly. And just to prove my list isn't about looks or age, I truly am in love with Mel, always have been. I've met him. Utterly charming.
Now, if in my alternate universe I'm a lesbian, there are many brilliantly funny women to choose from. In no particular order, I love Tina Fey, Amy Poehler, Joan Rivers (okay, not sexually, but she is funny and courageous), Kristen Wiig and Melissa McCarthy. And I don't care about anyone's body size (in an alternate universe we're all weightless anyway.) Here on terra firma, the tough universe to make it in, they are all beautiful and so willing to be vulnerable, look silly and be funny. It's not easy to be that vulnerable, you know. It takes great courage. Try it.
Here's what I have learned about life. Without laughter, it wouldn't be worth living. It's too hard, okay, not as hard as it is for people living in third world countries (as Louis C.K. likes to point out), but it's still filled with trials and tribulations that only laughter can heal. And though I realize there is no chance I will probably ever have sex with anyone on my lists, even if I were in the Twilight Zone, I can fantasize, right? That's very healthy. Oh, I forgot Jimmy Fallon! Love him too.
Men, you don't have to look like Brad Pitt or Ryan Gosling to attract women. Cultivate your sense of humor. Don't take yourself too seriously. And if you aren't a funny man yourself, develop one of those great laughs, the deep belly kind or the ones with the twinkling crinkly eyes that tell us you really know how to enjoy life, and what's important.
And for anyone who's going through a rough time, go to a comedy club, or turn on The Daily Show, or YouTube and watch Louis C.K. or Chris Rock (they are much funnier than "baby laughing at dog eating popcorn video"). I promise you -- you will feel so much better. And you don't even have to go to an alternate universe, you can stay right here in this big beautiful funny crazy one.