08/22/2012 12:44 pm ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

Paul Ryan, We Don't Need Another Weinergate (VIDEO)

A hearty hot dog hello to you, Congressman Ryan!

It's me. Former Wienermobile driver, Robin Gelfenbien, again.

So how's life on the campaign trail so far? You and Mitt getting along okay? Finding time to squeeze in those P90X workouts?

Look I know you've been busy pressing the flesh and distancing yourself from Todd Akin's "legitimate rape" remark, but there's still something you need to tend to stat. As I mentioned in my last post to you, you need to be honest about your Wienermobile past.

Now I have to commend you on not repeating the mistakes of Anthony Weiner. You have done a brilliant job deflecting the media's questions about your stint as a Wienermobile driver.

However, the American people are still under the impression that you landed one of the coveted jobs of Hotdogger, and as a former Hotdogger, I'm a little bit insulted. I had a 1 percent chance of getting that job. 1 percent. You know, like what Mitt would have paid in taxes under your plan.

Given those odds, I created a cassette of self-promotional songs called "Rockin' Robin's Hot Dog Holiday Favorites." On the cover, I made all of the letter "I"s hot dogs. I also drew a Christmas tree with little hot dog ornaments and a menorah with hot dog candles, which is totally sacrilege. (Keep that in mind when you go after the Jewish vote.)

If that weren't enough, when I got to the second round, I sang another customized tune and did a tap dance. Okay, so it was in a conference room, and they couldn't hear my taps, but whatever, I got the job. You know who didn't get the job? A guy who created a miniature version of the Wienermobile. Yeah, it's that cut-throat.

So Paul, before all of this gets out of hand and we create Wienergate Part Deux, why don't you just come clean before these lies bite you in that firm, chiseled butt of yours.

Franks a lot!