Dear Governor Romney,
It has come to my attention that in a desperate attempt to win over Jewish voters, you will be celebrating Yom Kippur. Given that this will be your first observance of the Day of Atonement (or in your case, Day of AtoneMitt), I thought I'd give you a quick crash course on this holiest of Jewish holidays.
You Need a Ticket
Yom Kippur is like midnight mass. Jews will come out of the woodwork to observe this holiday at synagogues across the country. Because of this high demand, you'll need to buy a ticket, and at this point they're probably sold out. However, you shouldn't have any trouble paying top dollar for a ticket.
It's a Time to Start Anew
Given that you are constantly shifting your position and no one knows what you stand for, this should be a cakewalk for you.
No Food. No Drink. Yes Service.
On Yom Kippur, Jews abstain from food, drink, sexual intimacy and animal-based clothing like leather. You've been in training for this for a long time, so this should be a breeze for you. Also, it'll give you 24 hours to see what it's like to live like the 47 percent. But don't worry, when it's over, you can still eat like the 1 percent with Nova lox, bagels and caviar.
Be Kind to the Elderly
Good luck getting back in Bubbe's good graces. You have already pissed her and the rest of her blue-haired friends off with your proposed Medicare voucher program. And don't bother trying to win her over with some kugel or rugelach. She's still going to be mad at you because it's been forever since you called. And no, robocalls don't count.
A Time to Repent
Everybody should repent for something in their lives. Perhaps saying, "I will never apologize for America" is not appropriate today. I'll let you ponder this one.
You've Got to Pray Just to Make it Today
Mitt, this is your chance to ask for forgiveness for any sins that you may have committed this year. Here's one just off the top of my head. For the sin you have committed in stubbornness or error: Not releasing your tax returns sooner. I'll let you take it from here.
So good luck, bubelah, and if it gets hot in the synagogue with all those people, don't sweat it. The windows do open. Oh, and FYI, you can't buy ad space in the memorial program. That is not kosher.
May you have an easy fast,
P.S. Tell Paul Ryan we missed him at the Wienermobile reunion this past weekend.