12/19/2013 01:47 pm ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

My Elf on the Shelf has Seasonal Affective Disorder

I'm not sure if you've heard about this new thing that Santa has been up to for the last few years. Apparently, he needed a little help keeping tabs on who was naughty and nice and started sending elves to kids' houses to monitor their behavior 24/7. You may think the elves look like small stuffed dolls but you would be wrong, my friend.

No, as legend tells it, these elves have magical powers. Every night while the children sleep, the little elves fly back to the North Pole to tattle to the Big Man about the kids to which they are assigned. But you know elves -- so full of life, so full of mischief.

Those little elves are so busy that my Facebook feed is full of other people's elves: taking a marshmallow bubble bath in the sink with Barbie, hanging the family's underpants by the chimney instead of stockings, hanging upside down from the family Christmas tree.

Apparently, those little elves are SO busy that their behavior is quite the hot topic around the lunch table at my girls' school. Sadie, Aubrey and Emma come home every day recounting the new adventures of their friends' elves.

Which may explain why my kids are a bit disgruntled with Santa this year.

While he did send an elf to keep an eye on them, poor Chippy seems to be struggling with Seasonal Affective Disorder. He's listless throughout the day and while their friends' elves get into all sorts of hijinks at night, Chippy tends to spend entirely too much time on Netflix bingeing on his favorite shows. He lays around the house, sipping on a glass of Merlot, eating gluten free chocolate chip cookies and wearing yesterday's yoga pants.


Occasionally, Chippy makes a half-hearted attempt to climb the Christmas tree, but it's just so much work.

Chippy recognizes the total insanity of making a mess in someone else's house and is smart enough to know, if I was left to clean up after a night of elfish escapades, he could expect to be our dog's new chew toy before I poured my first cup of coffee. I'm pretty sure what Chippy needs is a little vitamin D -- a long vacation somewhere where the sands are white, the water is cool, the sun still knows how to shine and the drinks are served in coconuts -- and if he wanted to take me with him, well, that'd be OK, too.