07/21/2010 08:45 pm ET Updated May 25, 2011

A Meeting at Mel's

Mel Gibson's publicist arrives at the estate.

Mel? Mel? Where are you? Ah, the chapel. Wow. Interesting. Not a lot of chapels have a bar. Sooo. Tough couple weeks. I am stressed. Stressed, Mel, stressed. I did not say Jewish, I said stressed. The two words sound nothing alike. Okay, so here goes. Mel, I'm not going to be your publicist anymore. This wasn't an easy decision, we've been through a lot together, but frankly you don't need me, you need therapy. Help. Counseling.

Yes, I know you think Vatican II was a terrible council, and if you'll just lower the gun we can talk about it. The gun. Thanks.

Look, let's just stay professional. So. There are no offers. None. Not even Fox News. Yeah, surprised me, too. Loootta messages, but they mostly say the same thing.

Well, you know how people are. Yes, some of them are as you say, cocksuckingmotherfuckers. Anyhooo... Oh, your dad called. He sounded great. Really upbeat. Half the time I have no idea what that guy's talking about but he's sure proud of you, so... there's that.

Aaaand, let's see. Jodie Foster called. She was really sad. Sad, Mel. Not Jewish. Again, I don't know how you... The words have only one letter in common for godsake. S. The letter S. Yeah okay, S for Satan, sure, S for freakin' Satan! Why not!!

Well I am angry, Mel! You've changed! You used to be fun! And funny! Remember when you did What Women Want? You danced! You had a twinkle in your eye! You acted like a human being! It was awesome!

Yeah, okay, awesome like the one true religion, which got all screwed up by the second Vatican blah de blah, whatEVER!

Look, I'm gonna just get out of your way and let you make some more phone calls. No, I don't want a sip. Thank you though...

... Wait. Okay, I'm just going to say this, and if you shoot me, whatever, you shoot me. Mel, you're an alcoholic, a rageaholic, a bigot, and a bully, and I really can't stand being around you. My advice to you is to go alone into the wilderness and stay there until you find whatever shred of human goodness you have left, and then truly repent.

No, you haven't. You have not. You've never faced up to your wretched, selfish, drunk, violent self. That's why you have me, to clean up after you. But I'm not going to do it anymore, and whoever you get to replace me will, trust me, be in it strictly for the money. And even you don't have enough.

Okay, so, I'm gonna go. You take care. I said "take care," not "Hebrews Rule." How can you possibly?!...

Okay, whatever, peace out.

Wait, what? A sequel? Passion II, The Wrath of Jesus?

Well, no, I don't think it screams box office, but then again, I said you were crazy to do the first one, so... You know what? It's actually.. fun, edgy, insane.. I love it!

Who? Do you think you can get him? Whaaat?? You already talked about it and he's very excited? Wow. But Mel, isn't he Jewish?

What's that? So was Jesus? Hahaha!! That's very funny! So was Jesus!! You are so funny!! I most certainly will make that call! I sure will! Well it's a pleasure to be back in business with you, sir! You have a nice day.

'So was Jesus!' I love this guy!!