02/22/2012 09:04 am ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

My Totally Spontaneous Interview

The following interview was conducted by Terry Bates, Action 3 News.

Roger Smith shocked the world with his recent announcement that he will be running for President of the United States. Reaction was mixed, as some thought they had never heard of Roger, while others were sure they hadn't. I sat down with Mr. Smith at his home in Virginia. ~ Terry Bates

Roger Smith, thanks for sitting down with me.

ROGER SMITH: Whoa whoa, let's keep this to a whisper, if c'est possible. Got quite a headache. Jack Daniels and I did a little capoeira last night.

TB: Now that you're running for president, do you think you might need to cut down on the party life?

RS: How dare you, sir, how dare you! Did they tell Jefferson to put down the doobie? Did they tell Kennedy to put down the stewardess? I think not. Not too impressed with these questions so far, gotta say.

TB: Well then tell us, why should voters choose Roger Smith in 2012?

RS: Now that's a real question. I like the cut of your jib. Sorry about yelling at you before. Again, really, it's the bourbon talking. And the bourbon is chatty. What was the question? Why should voters choose me? Now that's a real question. I like the cut of your jib. Where am I?

TB: This... is your living room.

RS: It's NICE! Excuse me. (yells to two women passing by) Josephina! Maria! Is this divan factory-clean? I'm thinking no. You're both on wipe duty this weekend.

TB: You know, this actually has been a sticky issue for past candidates... can you attest that all the people you pay are documented workers?

RS: Oh, I don't pay them. Look, can we talk about me?

TB: I'm trying. Really. So, all the Republican candidates have taken strong stances on illegal immigration. What is your position?

RS: This is a very personal issue to me, because I really enjoy getting high on cheap drugs from Mexico. We need to ensure that all immigrants bring primo product state-side. We need to double the border police to make sure that nothing comes across that's less than 70% pure. Oh, and just because you've lived here for 25 years doesn't mean you should get some kind of amnesty. Go home, load up a hollowed-out Chihuahua with grade-A blow, and get in back of the line. Unless we're talking Canada. Then please, please, penicillin -- and quick. It was a rough Mardi Gras for me this year.

TB: What do you think is the greatest threat to America?

RS: Justin Timberlake. That guy is a menace, and the streets aren't safe with him running free. Sooooo... how 'bout I just bring him with me to the White House? Obviously as president I get to keep three people. First, duh, Joy Behar. Second is Justin, and I haven't worked out the third yet. Forest Whitaker could keep things interesting. But Justin will just stay near my office, or bedroom, wherever. And if he wants to sing while he's rocking me to sleep, that's fine. If he insists on taking off his shirt during lunch, well, this is America people and I'm not going to stop him. Agree or disagree?

TB: Your plan to fix the economy is very controversial. Can you tell us about it?

RS: What, you mean my plan to fix the economy by deporting the poor? Why, does that make you nervous? How much do you make? Do you need me to put in a good word for you? I will soon know Forest Whitaker...

TB: Do you have the money to run a successful campaign in this day and age?

RS: Glad you asked. I'm gonna bring in some cash with a book I've got coming out, and I'm also selling a ton of crap at You know, coffee mugs, buttons, flasks, the yooj. Oh, and I'm having a garage sale next Saturday! Letting go of some great old sneakers and a plasticware. Just one. Just one plasticware. So get there early. And by the by, when you buy stuff, you get to tell me what I should say. And if you take me home, you can tell me what to do...

2012-02-14-Roger_Poster_Cropped.jpgTB: So... you're for sale.

RS: THANK you! That's so sweet.

TB: Well, we're out of time. Anything else our readers should know?

RS: You've watched the debates. You think those guys are nuts? Vote Roger for President. I'll show you nuts. And remember to tweet me @RogerSmith2012. Anthony Weiner, this means you. I miss you, Tony.

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