How Not to Make Friends at Your Summer Job

My first day at my first job -- human body shields, gray pubic hairs, and breasts that hanged low. Don't use your co-workers as body shields or karma will pay you a visit.
05/31/2016 03:43 pm ET Updated May 31, 2017

My first summer job was in high school. I was thrilled for independence and making my own money. Unfortunately, my first day on the job I nearly alienated all of my co-workers. Whether you are a high school or college student, here's a cautionary story to help you avoid my mistake. Travel back in time with me to the summer of 1986.

My family moved from the far south side of Chicago to the north suburb of Evanston. Evanston is home to Northwestern University and  John Hughes' territory -- Pretty in Pink and Ferris Bueller's Day Off. Talk about moving on up. My sister and I would ride our bikes to see Dad during his lunch break. Then we would go to Carmen's Pizzeria for the best Chicago style stuffed/deep dish pizza.

Evanston had a summer job program for teenagers. We could earn our own money and be out of the house. We started attending an pentecostal-evangelical church in 1983. We never did anything except go to church every day and pass out tracts on weekends -- no secular music, television, or radio. Having a summer job meant that we were going to be normal teenagers. Freedom! Mom wanted to teach us how to budget, so we had to buy our school clothes with our summer job money. Fine by me. No more repressive Christian school get-ups. It was the 1980s and we were going to express ourselves through fashion! Door knocker earrings, headbands, scrunches, hair crimpers, wide width belts, stone washed jeans, sweater dresses, and anything neon. Maybe the new job would help me catch up with the new dances. Chicago house music was exploding. We would attend public high school (Evanston Township High School-ETHS) and I wanted to be ready. Jack, jack, jack yo' body!

The summer job center placed me at the YWCA working with the assistant marketing director. A few other teenagers worked at the YWCA with me. Margot was going to be a sophomore at ETHS and lived a couple blocks from me. I already had a friend. The other girl was Haitian and another was Bahamian. Until then, I never met anyone from the islands. The girls took me to lunch for my first day. We were going to Hecky's BBQ. Unfortunately, something happened along the way to lunch.

We walked past a house and I heard a dog barking. The next thing I remember is hearing the Bahamian girl yell, "Ronda let me go! Let me go!" Margot and the Haitian girl stared at me with their mouths open. Uh-oh. I finally realized what I did. Upon hearing the dog bark, I grabbed the Bahamian girl and put her in front of me as a human body shield. I had her by her shoulders so that she could not move. I immediately explained to them that I did not realize what I was doing. I was attacked by a German Shepherd when I was 10 and had been afraid of dogs ever since. I did not mean to use the Bahamian girl as a body shield. To make matters worse, the dog was a Chihuahua -- so embarrassing. After a while, they said that they believed me. However, they kept their distance from me. I was mortified. What if they told other kids that I use people as human body shields? I would never make any friends at ETHS. Fortunately, the event was never mentioned again.

Unfortunately, fate paid me back for using people as human body shields later that afternoon. The marketing director had me update the bulletin boards throughout the YWCA. That meant going into the women's shower and updating that bulletin board too. As I was stapling notices, an elderly woman in her 70s came out of the shower butt naked. The woman stood there for about ten minutes asking about what was new in the bulletin. The entire time I did my best to look at the ceiling, but all I saw was shriveled wet breasts sagging to the knees and gray pubic hair. It was like Melisandre when she took off the choker at Castle Black. Do you remember that kid's song? "Do your ears hang low, do they wobble to the floor, can you tie them in a knot, can you tie them in a bow, can you lift them over your shoulder like a continental soldier, do your ears hang low?" Well this woman's breasts hanged low like the song. This was well before Flo-Rida's song "Low," but granny's breasts were "low low low." No one ever said anything about gray pubic hair sightings as part of the job description.

My first day at my first job -- human body shields, gray pubic hairs, and breasts that hanged low. Don't use your co-workers as body shields or karma will pay you a visit.

This originally appeared on Ronda's blog, Ronda-isms.