Spy fever is sweeping the nation! With the arrest of the 10 alleged Russian spies this week, Americans can stop worrying about depressing problems like the oil hurricane down the Gulf, or boring problems like the Senate's financial "reform" kabuki theater, and just focus on the sexy dangers of international espionage. It's like the fifties all over again! I for one can't wait to grease up my pompadour and roll up a pack of unfiltered cigarettes in my t-shirt sleeve and go see Attack of the Giant Leeches at the drive-in and snap my fingers to doo-wop music and chug a six-pack while seeing how fast my old man's Dodge Diplomat will go and invoke the specter of nuclear annihilation so as to get a little over-the-bra action from my best girl while we're parked out by Smuggler's Cove.
Except, these so-called Russian spies were total lamers. Instead of having metal teeth and skulking around swapping vials marked "ANTIDOTE," like the ultra-realistic movie spies do, these spies were suburban couples with mortgages and LinkedIn accounts. They went to networking functions and got involved with think tanks, which science has proven are the boringest things in the world. This information does not compute! Aren't spies supposed to stick out, always wearing things and doing things that obviously mark them as spies? Could everything Hollywood has taught us about the intricacies of global espionage be incorrect? That would truly be a blow to the national psyche.
But thankfully, a big scoop yesterday: One of them is hot! Just look at her Facebook pictures there, looking all generically attractive, like the countless indistinguishable women who clatter around midtown Manhattan every day, in her plastic tiara. Smoking a cigarette in a tiger-print club dress? Ooh la la! She's the "femme fatale" of the group. Every media outlet says so. Does that mean she's killed people, or are these media outlets just being stupid? Either way, big development!
But everyone is missing the big story here, which should chill us to the bone. By sending 10 spies deep undercover for decades to pose as suburban real estate brokers, consultants, and luxury goods peddlers, it would appear that the Russians are trying to crack our formula for quiet despair. Well, good luck, comrades! You'll never beat us at our own game.