09/22/2010 10:27 am ET Updated May 25, 2011

An Open Letter to Our Elected Officials: How Do You Sleep At Night? Lunesta?

Dear Government Leaders:

I am so very, very angry with you. You have betrayed the implicit trust that the American people have placed in your leadership, and with a callousness and flippancy that make me believe that in the moral compartment where most house their conscience, you have a cavernous black hole of rotten, stinking greed. How can you possibly sleep without being haunted by the undeniable betrayal you have committed upon millions?

I'm serious, what's your secret? Ambien? Therapy? Indian food right before bed? Because I've tried everything and just can't get a decent night's sleep.

How about this: I'll tone down my indignation if you tell me who your guy is, and give me his number. Are you using Dr. Kutner? I've heard good things. I know that you must be seeing someone good, because the never-ending blow to our national identity that you commit with every nay vote can't come from someone taking cat naps between meetings with corporate lobbyists. I see a certain stamina in you that is unmistakably the mark of someone who takes sleep habits seriously.

You clearly have no decency, but if you do have a fail-safe way to secure eight hours of sleep, I'll be happy to listen. By the way, I'd kill to have your skin and metabolism. They tipped me off to your impressive sleep habits. After the initial realization that it must be at the expense of any self-awareness of your role in our country's destruction, I became obsessed with your health secrets. You vile scum, etc.

My sleep lately has been much like your respect for America: nonexistent. I know I'm not alone. And yet I see you on TV, spouting your usual lies, and I think to myself, "How do these guys sleep at night? How are they not kept awake by the silent screams of the children who will have to pay for their greed? Do they have one of those white noise machines? Do those actually work? I hear they actually lull you into semi-hypnosis. That's pretty cool. I bet they drown out the children pretty well, too. Or maybe after a while the screams of the children become a kind of white noise. I bet that's it."

As a qualification: If your methods involve some use of the supernatural, I'm not interested. No, thank you! Come to think of it, though, you must employ some sort of voodoo curse in order to lull yourself to sleep, right? Assuming, as I do, that Lucifier purchased your soul wholesale in your younger days, it can't have been too much of a stretch to start performing a shamanistic ritual each night to secure sleep. I'm not necessarily saying that it's unconstitutional for you to keep your spells a secret, but it wouldn't hurt to leak them.

I hope that when you lie down tonight, you toss and turn, unable to ignore the pangs of guilt over the recklessness with which you lead. It's appalling and disgusting. It's irresponsible. And I vow that I shall not rest, I shall not sleep until I see some real, fundamental change in this great nation of ours.

Or until you just email me your sleep secrets. Whichever comes first.


Ross Luippold