By now you know the Denver Broncos and the Seattle Seahawks will be playing in the Super Bowl.
You've probably also been made punfully aware these are the two largest cities in the only two states that have legalized marijuana.
"This gives new meaning to the term Super BOWL," quipped Jay Leno before the matchup had even been set. Once Niners' QB Colin Kaepernick's pass to the right corner of the end zone was bogarted by the Seahawks, the puns were blazing. (Colin, don't you know you're supposed to pass the dutchie on the left hand side?)
This is no jive and I'm going to be blunt about this. This Super BOWL gives us the hook-up to gage this country's spark to legalize marijuana to a tea. Stoner Bowl. Loda Bowl. Alpaca Bowl. Green Bowl. Doobie Bowl. The Real Bud Bowl. Smolka Bowl. When late night hosts and USA Today are joking about it, the Drug Czar seems more like a moralizing buzzkill than protector of America's youth.
President Obama seems to be "evolving" on legalization as he did with letting gays marry. Wanna bet more than a quarter of the states are green with envy at $1 million a day in marijuana sales in Colorado, taxed at 10% + 15% + state and local sales tax? Every pot pun reference to marijuana legalization in the haze of two weeks of Stoner Bowl hype is another day closer to prohibition going up in smoke.
Had enough? Heh, try and concentrate, I'm about to shatter the US journalism high for most pot pun references per word. You can't keep a lid on me!
To Super Bowl CDXX, featuring the Seattle THChawks and the Mile High Denver Broncos, brought to you by Bud Light, Miller High Life, and every fast food outlet there is! Ladies and gentlemen, here to sing our national anthem at 4:20pm Mountain Time: Lady Gaga, Rihanna, and Mylie Cyrus! (Seriously, the Super Bowl kicks off ten minutes after 4:20pm in Denver.)
Now, off to the coin toss, with honorary captains Errl Campbell of the Oilers, Bud Grant, Joe Greene, Trent Green and Ed Budde of the Chiefs, and the Jets 1981 defensive line, the New York Sack Exchange.
The Mile High Broncos win the toss, but are plagued on their opening series by calls for holding. This probably stems from seeds of doubt about long-term employment prospects for the guards. Peyton Manning eventually passes the bomb around his circle of receivers, only to be denied by THChawks dropping into a dime on 4th & 20 with safeties meeting at the point of the catch.
On to the Halftime Show, featuring Willie Nelson, Snoop Dogg, the Black Crowes, Cannabis Corpse, the Kottonmouth Kings, Cypress Hill, and, of course, very special guests... wait for it... the Doobie Brothers!
In the second session, the THChawks are rolling Marshawn Lynch between the hash marks. The frigid Giants Stadium is no hot box and it puts pressure on the knee joints. Just as Russell Wilson is in the shotgun, the O-line gives up a fat sack. Both teams are playing on grass, making it easier for linebackers to stalk the half-back who leaves the backfield on a zip route.
In the end, these two teams were cashed. The score was tied with 4:20 remaining. It came down to the THChawks' kicker who, not to wax eloquently, was like buddah as he nailed the winning kick as the clock snuffed out. The stoner football gods were kind to Seattle as Denver was shorted, 7-10.
There, mainstream journalists. Eighty puns and references to the devil's lettuce in a six-hundred thirty word piece works out to a 12.7% pot pun rate. I don't think even you can beat that. (I'm not talking to you, United Kingdom!)