12/16/2010 02:02 pm ET Updated May 25, 2011

Top Eleven Reasons Christmas Is Safe From Attack

1) In America, Christmas lights go up before Thanksgiving, so if any holiday gets screwed, it's Turkey Day.

2) Too much money is made sweeping pine needles out of apartment house lobbies.

3) Jesus Christ wasn't really born on December 25th. It IS the birthday, however, of my super, Jesus Diaz.

4) Bill O' Reilly won't shut up.

5) Nothing says nativity scene like a manger scene in Scottsdale, Arizona.

6) keeps dropping the price of rhinestone crucifixes.

7) Has anyone ever said "How dare you!" when you greet them with "Merry Christmas"?

8) Christmas has survived It's A Wonderful Life, a film that -- save the last five minutes -- is the most depressing movie ever made about a holiday.

9) As long as fruitcake exists, there is a reason to hate Christmas.

10) Egg nog: The drink of choice for obese alcoholics.

11) Just the thought of Sarah Palin coming to my door singing carols fills me with Joyuex Noel.