06/06/2006 01:18 pm ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

Closet-Blogging the FMA, Part Two

Well, it's my second day blogging the Federal Marriage Amendment here in the closet. My food stocks are running low, but my supplies of toner and three-hole paper are holding steady. One of the Senators in here (he's married, but like the others sharing my closet he often, as he says, likes to "work with those on my own side of the aisle"), has been getting nervous. Turns out being a gay-hating gay is hard work. Some gay rights groups think he's being hypocritical for co-sponsoring the amendment while at the same time being secretly, you know, "bipartisan." As he told me while he was shelving our new shipment of Uni-ball® Gel IMPACT™ Retractable Roller Ball Pens from Staples, "anybody can be openly gay -- that's easy. There's no road map for what I'm doing."

seder in a closet2.jpg

Well, you're in luck, Senator *******. In my new book, "FUBAR: America's Right-Wing Nightmare,"co-author Stephen Sherrill and I have come up with just such a guide. For that Senator, and all the others representatives who say "nay" in public, but "yea" in closed session, we present:


Q: Another Congressman wants me to co-sponsor an anti-gay bill. Do I sign-on?

A: Of course. It's hard to rise up through the ranks as a gay-hating gay without some major gay-hating legislation under your belt. Besides, you know the guy who asked you to co-sponsor? He's gay, too.

You'll be having sex with him before the thing gets out of committee. This will also make the committee hearings a lot more fun -- furtive glances, yielding the balance of your time to each other, jokes about "achieving cloture," that sort of thing.

Q: Mustaches. Your thoughts?

A: There are three schools of thought about mustaches:

1) They make you look less gay.

2) They make you look more gay.

3) They make you look incredibly gay.

Our feeling is the answer lies somewhere between 2 and 3. Which doesn't necessarily mean you shouldn't go for it.

Also, keep in mind that the more vocally gay-hating you are, the more gay the mustache will look. In fact, there are many things that seem ostensibly straight, but when coupled with vehement gay-hating, or any sense that you might be "trying to hard," suddenly seem incredibly gay. Like weightlifting and talking a lot about "pussy." Mustaches fall into this category.

This is known as the "Roy Cohn Paradox."

Q: What do I say to my wife when I want to leave the house at 11 p.m. to go have sex with another man? Won't she be suspicious?

A: This comes up a lot. And, obviously, every relationship is different. First of all, is your wife an alcoholic? From the fact that you're even asking, we're assuming the answer is no. Because if she were, you don't have to say anything. Just make her a few drinks at about 9 or so, and then wait for her to pass out. The good news is that if your wife's not an alcoholic yet, she will be soon.

But until that time, you're going to need good stock excuses. Here are a few suggestions:

"Honey, that was my office calling. There's an emergency up on the Hill. I'd really love to have sex with you now, because you're a woman and I'm a straight man, so why wouldn't I? But I have to go. Because of my country."

Sweetheart, Carmalita forgot to clean my bathroom. So I've got to run to the park and find a clean public one. If I'm not there, I'll be at the nearest rest stop on I-87."

"I can't believe, it sweetheart. Congressman Dreier's bachelor party is tonight! I'd forgotten all about it. Can't believe that pussy hound is finally getting married. Anyway, the party is at a strip club. But don't worry -- I'll look, but I won't touch. See ya."

"Dear, the President just called -- wants me over at the White House ASAP to help him with an amendment banning gay marriage. Can you believe those gays, always pushing their gay agenda? They really hate America. And God, too. They hate America and God. Don't stay up."

Q: What do I do if my wife catches me with another man?

A: You're going to have to be honest with her. Sit her down, be very gentle and loving. Take her hand, look her in the eye, and calmly say, "honey, how much money is this going to cost me? I'll give you as much as you want. But no divorce until after the election."

Well, that's it for now. More later, depending on our supplies of snacks and bottled water (Congressman ******* has been hogging it all and is about to get voted out of the closet)...