Welcome back to Beneric and his four remaining "sophisticated" women. He is up to hometown dates, so this is "gonna be an awesome week." First up is the MILF, wearing some weird top where half her boobs are out, that she keeps tugging at because half of her boobs are out. I assume she wore this sexy top to compensate for the fact that her kids are going to be showing up any second, and kids desexualize any damn situation. Beneric asks her what her kids like, and she answers, "When Mommy leaves for weeks on end to meet some rando on TV." No, she says, "When you chase them."
The little angels show up, looking pretty cute in their matching outfits. Beneric plays with the kids on the beach, and listens to his instructions so he plays chase with the kids. Charlie, the little girl, is being adorably shy. Beneric picks her up and chases the seagulls. Ah, if only the day could end here, as I usually think after some sort of high note with my own children. Prepare for the inevitable meltdown, Beneric.
Beneric's feelings for the MILF strengthen because she's hot and her kids are cute and why the hell not play house for a little bit. Charlie starts crying on the drive back to the MILF's house, and Beneric accompanies her to put Charlie down for a nap. The MILF's family discusses whether Beneric is ready to be a dad, and they grill him about it. He says that his initial reaction was "okay" rather than "hell to the no I'm not ready for this naptime BS."
MILF asks her mom what she thinks of Beneric, and cries about how she's sacrificed her love life for her kids. Humorously, she believes that wouldn't happen if she were married. MILF's dad tells Beneric that kids are pain and will stop him from doing everything he currently does for fun. In slightly different words. Now Beneric participates in bedtime, and MILF falls for him with a velocity equal to half Beneric's height times twice his shoulder-to-waist ratio plus the number of times that she has visualized her girls being flower girls in her wedding. That is a scientific formula, because The Bachelor = science.
Now Beneric goes on his next hometown date, to Portland, with Lauren. No kids around, so they can go to food trucks and talk at a normal volume with adult intonation, and she wins. Continuing the "childfree rocks" theme, they sit in a "whiskey library" sipping drinks and canoodling in front of a fire, with him caressing her hair and not the hair of a squalling toddler.
Beneric walks with a kid-free swagger to the doorstep of Lauren's home. Her family is one of those families that makes everyone with a dysfunctional family feel like crap. They are well adjusted to the max. Lauren's older sister is hotter than her, yet older than her, so it evens out, but it probably made Lauren want to gouge her eyes out in middle school. Beneric tells the sister, "There's something about your sister that I can't put words to, I'm really lucky." Then he STARTS TO CRY, which is the emotional money shot and Beneric therefore wins this family's large, loving, photogenic heart.
Lauren tells her sister that Beneric is "her person" and she's in love with him. I think she is. Why are people like, "you can't fall in love on this show?" Haters. Don't you remember falling in love in highschool or college, or really any time? There is no way this is less deep than me thinking I loved my husband after the first 24 hours I was with him, and in actuality, most young people feel love very quickly. If you needed to know everything about someone before marrying them, nobody would get married. The whole "honeymoon stage" is when people get engaged and married, and after that is when things get real and they end up on my couch. The fact that the Bachelor relationships don't "last" may be just as much about the fact that MOST relationships don't last more than anything about the show per se. Okay, philosophizing over.
Next hometown date, Beneric and Caila. She looks lovely in her fall clothes juxtaposed against the autumnal college town. Blah blah. Pop out a couple kids and see how fresh faced you look, Caila. Now they do some date where they design a toy house or something, I can't deal with the corniness. Now they're building it in the toy factory. Note how only people without kids want to go to do kid stuff on purpose to be "cute." If my husband took me to anything with toys in it on a date night, unless it was "toys," that would be the last date night for a while. Caila says she "knows" she's going to marry Beneric and have the "happily ever after she's looking for." Okay, calm down.
At Caila's house, her mom asks Beneric, "Have you ever met Filipinos before?" And Beneric says, "I don't know!" God, he's so worldly. Move over, James Bond. Caila's dad is white though, so at least he has one compadre in the room. The dad says that his marriage is "the most magical marriage ever." I love this guy. He understands women. Mom asks Beneric what he loves about Caila. Beneric asks her mom about why she worries that she can't love easily, and her mother says, who the hell knows. No, she makes some crap up.
Caila's dad asks her, "What's in your heart?" and everyone whose relationship with their dad would never ever include this question feels wistful. He says that he fell in love with her mom "almost immediately," which is what I said a couple paragraphs ago about love. I told you I liked him. Her mom, whom she calls "Mommy" because she's like five years old and doesn't have kids of her own yet, encourages her to tell Beneric to tell him openly how she feels. Boy, these parents are something else. I hope I talk to my kids this openly about their relationships. Caila takes Mommy's advice and says I love you to Beneric. JUST KIDDING, she wimps out. Caila! Don't you want a magical marriage of your own?
Jojo's hometown. Beneric leaves roses for Jojo and writes her a card... UH OH, it's not from Beneric! It's from CHAD! Chad, her ex, is going to mess up everything! OMG, guys! She calls Chad, and he says he wants her, and she says, "I don't know." Chad says, "I now know what love is. You showed me what love was." She says, "Now you're doing this? Now?" Good point, Jojo. Don't trust this dude. He just feels jealous because Beneric is into you. He has broken up with you multiple times. At least wait till Beneric dumps you to get back with him, come on.
Beneric comes in and he's confused because she's crying. Beneric said this stuff with women going back their exes happens to him all the damn time, because Nice Guys Finish Last. Except on the Bachelor where they bang multiple hotties in the Fantasy Suite. But don't worry, Beneric, Jojo says she wants to be with you. You know, though, I think she just lied about that phone call, because she told Beneric that she definitively ended things with the ex, and I could have sworn she said, "I don't know" or something at the end of the ex call. Hmmm. Jojo and Beneric make out.
Beneric and Jojo approach her house. Ominous music. Jojo is welcomed by her two brothers screaming her name, and they exclude Beneric right away. Then they come forward and shake his hand, but it's a little late. She also has a sister, but she's the hot one. Whoa, she really is. Poor sister. The brother starts to ask how deep the conversations are between Beneric and Jojo. The whole family starts asking him interview questions. The brothers act very protective of "Joelle" and start acting a little cold toward Beneric. The brother tells the camera that Beneric is "not that terrific" which is in fact the very appeal of Beneric, that he is not "that" anything. Which just goes to show that the brother is insightful.
Beneric and the brothers sit down, and he says he doesn't know the future but he's at a good place with Beneric. The brothers, who don't understand the premise of this dating show, push him to be more "real." Jojo and her collagen duck lipped mom hug on her bed and the mom also doesn't seem to understand the show, because she seems surprised to hear that there are three women left on the show. The mom says she has to "go 150% on this one." All these parents are really into their daughters throwing themselves at Beneric. The dad, however, gives Beneric a hard time and tries to pin down his feelings. What is up with these people? Did they not watch this show before?
One of the brothers tells Jojo "you've been on two dates with this guy" and to "keep her heart guarded." They then say that they don't want to see her get hurt. They are really too up in her business. Do they even have girlfriends? Why are they here? Someone get these guys out of here, they are ruining everything for Jojo. The brothers tell Beneric that he is "brainwashing" the girls, which is ridiculous, because Beneric is literally the most generic possible Bachelor who is just doing what he is told. The brother says his intuition tells him that Beneric is not into Jojo, which sucks, and says that Beneric was "coached" on his answers. Poor Jojo, she is out, whether it's this episode or the next one. No way is hyperfunctional Beneric getting sucked in to family drama.
Cocktail party. Because Jojo knows she's on the chopping block, she goes for broke and displays her boobs to advantage in a sexy red dress. Caila looks a little dumpy in comparison, so we know Jojo is killing it. And, guess what, the boobs get a rose and the MILF is out. Guess someone wasn't ready to be a dad after all. Don't worry, you idiot, you only met her kids and then immediately decided against her, that won't give them a complex later in life that they ruined Mommy's chance at happiness or anything. Whoa, the MILF says, "If you had any doubts you should have told me at my hometown and not flown me back to LA to dump me at a rose ceremony." Good point. Beneric says some BS about watching other relationships develop blah blah I can't hear him it's too irritating. The MILF cries in the limo. Ten bucks says she is inundated with marriage proposals after this show. A good MILF is hard to find. Beneric cries and asks not to be interviewed right now.
Next week, Jamaica, bikinis, "I love you"'s, rainbows, beaches, attachment panic, waterfalls, and Beneric telling two women he loves them because apparently he doesn't know the damn rules of the show. Till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Thinks Beneric Apparently Prefers Whiskey Libraries To Tantrums At Naptime. Weirdo.
This post was originally published here on Dr. Psych Mom. Follow Dr. Rodman on Dr. Psych Mom, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and Pinterest. Order her book, How to Talk to Your Kids about Your Divorce: Healthy, Effective Communication Techniques for Your Changing Family. This blog is not intended as diagnosis, assessment, or treatment, and should not replace consultation with your medical provider.