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07/28/2016 01:47 pm ET Updated Jul 29, 2017

The Bachelorette Episode 9 Recap: "Exotic Overnight Dates"

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This episode is a continuation of the prior one, where we were left, cruelly, on tenterhooks, for an entire week, without knowing whether Luke will be sent home or if his last minute declaration of love will save him.  And it doesn't. Luke is out.  Chase gets the rose instead. Chase, who acts like an emotionless robot, but this can now be attributed to his parents' divorce, so this has become more palatable to Jojo, who can now turn his dysfunctional-childhood frown upside down.

Jojo walks Luke out and they are both crying, and she says he's going home basically due to him not saying he loved her earlier on.  The punishment for not being emotionally open is swift.  Luke, who looks shellshocked, is saying he can't believe he squandered his chance, and he thought she knew he loved her when he kissed her, and she is sobbing, and this is pretty sad.  He says, "I miss you already" and she says, "I care about you so much," and this is pretty sad, because in actuality, Luke would have probably been a better husband than Chase.

In the limo, Luke says, "I was in love with her, but I never got the chance to love her."  On the bright side, he also didn't have to suffer through her transition from girlfriend to wife.  Jojo cries on the floor, dramatically, saying she misses him already.  Cry me a river, Jojo, and go back to your other hot suitors and travel to Thailand.  Life is tough.

Predictably resilient, Jojo wakes up happy and anticipating her "exotic overnight dates," which sounds like a term from a brothel website.  Her first exotic overnight date in Thailand is with Robbie, and they wander around a Thai market, kissing and joking and cuddling, like every couple with kids remembers doing before the kids came alone, or sometimes you can't actually remember, it's more like a memory of a memory, or maybe you just think you probably used to do that, but moving on.  They discuss their feelings about each other during their double Thai foot massages, which is pretty similar to absolutely no component of their later lives together if they should choose to marry.

Jojo discusses feeling like she doesn't trust Robbie 100% because of the rumors around him and his ex-girlfriend.  In a voiceover, she says she is anxious about giving him the Fantasy Suite card, but we all know her libido will carry the day.  Robbie says he wants her to know that he loves her and he's not going to leave her, and they make out and adjourn to the Fantasy Suite.  Here, she will unintentionally set the bar for her later married sex life with him, leading to a life of quiet desperation for him when her sex drive drops dramatically due to mammalian evolutionary monogamy-related reasons in a few years.  He says he wants to be the guy who's late to work because he can't get out of bed with his wife, and do these people not want children or something? Because if they do, he'll be late to work because preschool dropoff takes forever because his 3 year old is experiencing separation anxiety and Jojo is home nursing their second born.

Cut to the next morning, where Robbie and Jojo cuddle in post-coital bliss.  She says there were moments last night where Robbie said he loved her and she wanted to say it back, but she didn't, because she's not a fool like Beneric.  And off she goes to her date with Jordan!  No down time for her va-jay-jay, I mean, for her heart.  Or soul.  Or something.

Jordan and Jojo hike through the jungle, and Jordan finds her energy attractive.  Just a hint of what's to come in the Fantasy Suite, I'm sure.  The two of them explore some sort of mountain or cave or sacred temple or something, and she won't let him kiss her because it's not respectful to the temple, and I'm bored.  They sit down and talk about their families and how her two oldest brothers are "protective" aka crazy.

Jordan says that the biggest moment in his life will be talking to his future wife's dad about proposing to her.  WTF century are we in?  He talks about telling the dad how he will protect the girl, and Jojo is not a 17 year old virgin in 19th century England, people.  Then they talk about how Jordan is mobile now and can move to wherever she is, but she says, what about in six months, if you get a phone call telling you to move. I assume for a football job?  He says he wants to spend his life with her, and she says, "That's what Ben said."  Oh snap.  She asks how he knows that he loves her, and he says, "I have a feeling with you that I've never had before... I really truly think I'm a better person with you... When I think about that wedding day, it's with you."  And then they make out.  Love is patient, love is kind, love is generic.

Jojo gives him the Fantasy Suite invitation card, and holy smokes guys, he accepts it.  Tres shocking.  Anyway, they go off to make sweet love, and she's looking more beautiful than ever, with her hormones pumping due to her consecutive sexual experiences with different attractive males.  Can't bottle that, folks!

Jojo and Robbie wake up in their hotel room, and eat breakfast.  He says that last night they "took their relationship in an exciting direction."  No kidding.  And now she heads off to her date with Chase!  Lucky duck.

Chase and Jojo walk around Thailand and make out and joke around, and he's "extra playful" according to Jojo.  "It's amazing how much joy he brings to me," she says when he humorously kisses a dead fish in the market.  Oh, how amusing!  Chase says, "Everything about Jojo, her personality, her sex appeal, it's unstoppable."  That's what serial "exotic overnights" do to a woman's confidence, Chase.  Try to replicate this in your later marriage and you're in for a grievous disappointment, unless she keeps the other two dudes on the side.

She tells him that his hometown date "blew her away" and he says that his "journey" has allowed him to emotionally open up, which women are obsessed with, guys.  They pretty much dry-hump on the beach and make out in the water, and she says, "This is the type of moment that girls dream about."  And every single female viewer dies inside.  Also the married ones. Basically everyone.

Chase says he's going to tell Jojo how he feels about her, because apparently he hasn't said he loves her yet?  But this is interrupted by the appearance of none other than the Robster, who is intruding upon this date, telling Jojo he misses her and how great she looks, and basically being a huge selfish douchebag by coming here during Chase's date. He says, "I've never felt more ready to get down on one knee, to have a family and be a husband."  Robbie has kind of an annoying voice, even more so when he's being a c%^*block.

Back to dinner with Chase. He says he doesn't want to be scared of being vulnerable anymore, and they kiss.  Chase is growing on me, as he's acting less robotic and more boyishly charming. They go to the Fantasy Suite, where he tells her, "I've been falling in love with you... and after tonight... I'm 100% in love with you. It's wild because I've never told anyone that first."  But she doesn't seem super enthused, to be honest.  Her voiceover says that she's been waiting for him to say he loves her, but she's not feeling the way she thought she would feel and she's having this "overwhelming feeling of doubt." Ruh roh.  She asks him to wait and she'll be right back.  WTF.  Imagine she goes and visits Robbie, that would be hilarious.  But no, she just sits outside, feeling "sick to her stomach" and crying about how she now has to hurt Chase because apparently she's not in love with him, and did I accidentally upgrade Hulu because I haven't seen a commercial in a long time.  Better check that out.

She returns, and in a horrible bait and switch, she actually says she doesn't think she's in love with him and doesn't want to spend the night in the Fantasy Suite.  He intelligently finishes his drink to fortify him, and says, "I just jumped over a hurdle I never did before, and now I'm skewered, I'm shattered.  Now love equals get the F%^ out?  That was so terrifying to say and... you didn't give it a chance.  What was missing?"  She says she doesn't want to not be fair or not be honest, and he says, "You kind of just did all that."  She cries and says, "I care so much about you, I wanted to fall in love with you, you have done everything right." Poor Chase.  Put himself out there per her request and it all went to crap and he isn't even going to get laid.

She cries, saying, "If we spent the night together, it would just make it harder for me and for you."  Yeah but it would also have been slight compensation for the humiliation of pouring your heart out to get rejected on national TV, Jojo.  He hugs her, because guys are suckers for hot crying females, even ones who just threw them over. Then he walks away, and she follows him saying she doesn't want this to be the last thing he thinks of her.  Let it go, Jojo.  Chase gets into the limo, sarcastically asking, "Is this my Fantasy Suite?" which is pretty amusing, actually.  Where was that sense of humor during the actual show?

Next morning, a fresh faced Jojo discusses how dumping Chase solidified her feelings for the remaining guys, Robbie and Jordan.  The two of them, naive to the fact that Chase has been already been discarded like their Trojans in the Fantasy Suite garbage can, go to the rose ceremony.  Jojo and Chris Harrison discuss how she's ready to face the men and give them the happy news that they are the Last Dudes Standing.  But hark!  What is this?  Chase is back from the dead, approaching from the rear as he never got a chance to do in the Fantasy Suite, and asks to talk to Jojo!  The other dudes discuss the unfairness of this.

Chase says to Jojo, "I care too much about our relationship to let it end the way it did...  I resorted to anger and walls up right away... I'm here to say I'm proud of you, I'm impressed by you, I think you're amazing... I do have a lot of love for you, Jojo, and I think you deserve something great."  I wonder if a producer or perhaps his Mom coached him through this second try.  She says, "Thank you so much for coming back.  Thank you, Chase."  They hug.  And notably missing from her response is an actual response.  Poor Chase.  But now she's crying, saying she still has feelings for him, but she didn't fall in love with him.  She says, "When did falling in love become so hard?"  It's tough to watch.  It's kind of like watching an actual bad thing happen to someone, except not at all like that.

Back to the rose ceremony.  She reiterates that she didn't love Chase, but that she is in love with both remaining dudes. She gives out the roses, and gives them both hugs, and her voiceover says she feels sick to her stomach that she feels in love with both of them.  Then they clink glasses, because whatever, it's all good.  Next time is the Men Tell All episode, which I can't deal with, so I will meet you the following week at The Live Television Event Of The Summer, aka The Finale!  We see that Jojo's mom has collagen lips, and that Jojo has a panic attack at the prospect of picking one dude over the other.  Don't miss the shocking conclusion, and till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist That Says, I Hope She Picks Robbie, The Lesser Of Two Borings.

This post was originally published here on Dr. Psych Mom. Follow Dr. Rodman on Dr. Psych Mom, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and Pinterest. Order her book, How to Talk to Your Kids about Your Divorce: Healthy, Effective Communication Techniques for Your Changing Family. Learn about Dr. Rodman's private practice here. This blog is not intended as diagnosis, assessment, or treatment, and should not replace consultation with your medical provider.