06/09/2015 05:42 pm ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

The Bachelorette Recapped by Someone Who Says Stop Pretending You're Not Into Nick More Than the Other Guys, Kaitlyn

We open with Clint trying to get back in Kaitlyn's good graces by telling her how awesome his connection is with JJ.  Kaitlyn is done with him, which is a good decision since he is a jackass.  Jared shaved his facial hair and doesn't look as much like a mass murderer.

JJ tells Clint he needs to apologize to the guys for making Kaitlyn upset and messing up the "emotional energy" in the group.  Clint looks shocked because his bro just turned on him. Then JJ apologizes to Clint and JJ says, "I told you stuff I haven't told anyone" and their conversation gets really volatile and painful to watch, particularly when he ends with a sarcastic comment about JJ's choice of neckwear.  JJ cries outside and then slaps himself in the face and tells himself to suck it up.  I can't make this stuff up.

Cocktail party, and nobody even pretends to care, because the guys don't really even like Kaitlyn that much.  Oh except the bald guy who survived the car crash and Jared.  Oh look, Kaitlyn isn't even going to do a rose ceremony because she wants all the guys to stay.  That is really boring.  It's kind of like Kaitlyn is the death of excitement.  Now Chris Harrison says the guys are beginning their international journey which is starting in New York City, which is not international, by the by.  Whatevs.

I accidentally on purpose fast forward through a bit of the next segment where the guys get all excited about being in Times Square.  Maybe it's because of all the peep shows there, since they all have to be celibate for the length of this show and the only woman they have to look at is Kaitlyn and her angsty expressions.

Doug E Fresh hosts the group date, and tells the preppy man harem that they are going to engage in a rap battle.  It will be like the J.Crew team versus the LL Bean team, but for rap.  Nick from Andi's season is in the audience with Pseudo-Kardashian.  Are they a thing?  The rap battle sucks with some small highlights, and then Kaitlyn sees Nick, who she's apparently flirting with on social media.  He says he's going to stay and compete for her, because he's a huge attention whore.  She's totally into him though.  She should just stop the show now and get with him, but then he would leave since he's only about the drama and fanfare.

Kaitlyn pretends to be torn and taking a long time to decide about Nick, but we all know she's all about the Nickerdoodle. The other guys show up for the group date and she has to tell them about Nick joining their ranks.  They are understandably annoyed, since it seems like she's greedy for husband candidates and can't be too deeply bonded to any of the guys if she wants Nick there too.  Now she's canoodling with Nick.  Ugh she's already kissing him, even before she tells him he's on the show.  And he says, I think, "That was not un-fun."  Then she says she has to sleep on the decision.  Shockingly, she doesn't invite him to join her.  Oh I remember why everyone hates Nick, it's because he called Andi out for having sex with him and then not picking him when she was the Bachelorette.  Classy.

Jared gets a one-on-one date.  But first she wants to meet Nick in person after her hair appointment, so when she looks her hottest.  The crazy girl from last season does Kaitlyn's hair, because the Bachelor is one big incestuous family.  The guys back home discuss how desperate and irritating Nick is.  Kaitlyn and Nick stare into each other's eyes and she still seems to be deciding, but I think that's BS and she already wants him there.

Nick repeats his same ironic hipster joke about their first kiss "not being terrible" and then adds in the Bachelor cult phrase about following his heart.  She echoes, call and response style, with platitudes about regretting it if she didn't see what happens.  Then, as it fades to commercial, Kaitlyn wraps her arms around Nick, and he keeps his arms by his sides, and his body language tells the whole story: he came on the show for, as they say, "all the wrong reasons."

Kaitlyn has a date with Jared at a museum but all she can think about is incorporating Nick into the house.  Jared wins her over with a poem and then they go in a helicopter, so this is old school Bachelorette.  And then she tells the guys she's going to add Nick to the house, so I guess the poem wasn't that awesome after all, and the guys are silent and angry.

Group date on Broadway which is a big commercial for the show Aladdin.  The guys have to audition with singing and dancing... blah blah blah, same old.  Chris the Cupcake is being very flamboyant while singing and the other guys make fun of him, but he wins so F them.  The guys go back to the house and talk smack about Nick.  Cupcake and Kaitlyn kiss but I think she's into more macho dudes. They are literally on stage for one second and silent during the one second.  Anticlimax seems to be the theme of this season's Bachelorette.  Cupcake and Kaitlyn kiss again, and there is still zero chemistry.

Nick sidles creepily through Times Square, approaching the guys' hotel.  They all say how much they're going to despise him.  Cupcake talks about how awesome Kaitlyn is, which is sad because she's not that into him.  They are touching the Times Square ball and she gives him the rose, but he doesn't go for the kiss like he should.  She has to lean in for it.  Women aren't into passive guys, Cupcake.

Nick enters the hotel and, of course, we cut to black, because this season isn't interesting enough without constant cliffhangers.  We see Britt during the credits, with her new boyfriend.  I hope he proposes.  Anyway, till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Says Nick Should Go After Britt Next.

This post was originally published here on Dr. Psych Mom. Follow Dr. Rodman on Dr. Psych Mom, on Facebook, Twitter, and Pinterest. Pre-order her book, How to Talk to Your Kids about Your Divorce: Healthy, Effective Communication Techniques for Your Changing Family.