I wrote this post a while ago to heal myself, it's taken me this long to post it.
(warning: rant coming.... if you've ever felt lost and little depressed and wasted too many hours of your life wallowing in it all, then perhaps you might relate to this post, but there aren't any tips or action steps to turn your life around, it's just a rant...would love to hear your thoughts)
I don't want to write about....ready. set. go.
This is one of the writing prompts I use in my workshops. It has a way of cutting right to the heart of what you need to address in your life. And since I've spent a good amount of time lately moping around the house, reading blogs from people I don't know and don't really care about, obsessing about things that have absolutely nothing to do with my work, and asking myself questions that have no good answers like:
- why can't I have a little bit of HER life?
- why does her life look so cool and easy?
- why can't I be on this show?
I finally realized I needed to do this exercise on myself.
So here goes.
I don't want to write about how I feel like I've lost a little part of my Self, my true voice. I've been so focused on bringing home the bacon that I can't even remember what I used to write about before I was studying marketing and how to make money.
I don't want to write about how I feel YUCK today.
I just want to stare out the window and do nothing.
I don't want to write about how all my friends are coaches and if I call them to dump, they will just try to 'coach' me out of it and I don't want to be 'coached' out of it right now. I want to wallow in my stuff, like a warm fuzzy (yet slightly itchy) blanket. I want to wrap myself in the darkness for just a bit and let it consume me.
I don't want to write about how I'm tired and I don't want to be happy, fun & sandylicious and I just want to down a bottle of champagne and orange juice, scratch that, that sounds too bubbly. I need something stronger, something meaner, something really macho, like whiskey or bourbon. Yeah, I want to down a bottle of bourbon and watch bad reality TV.
And, by the way, I don't think this exercise is helping me one damn bit.
It's been a long, long time since I posted something very personal, that had absolutely no advice, no tips, no action steps, no resolution, no words of wisdom. I think I've run out of wisdom, maybe I never had any to begin with...???
I'll go drink that bottle of bourbon (Diet Coke) and pass out (take a nap) on the couch, wrapped in my fuzzy, itchy blanket of darkness and decide later whether or not to share this rant with the world.
(7:30am, next morning.....)
So, that's where I stopped writing, I shut down my computer and went in search of my Soul. I played with my girls, hung out with my family, we went skiing and soaked up the sun (I did my very first double black diamond & bashed my knee really hard when I fell down, down, down the mountain). And... eventually.... I started to feel like myself again.
Okay, so here's what to do when you're feeling this way -- I've laid out 3 simple steps for you to do .....just kidding.
However, I did find this anecdote from Elizabeth Gilbert that helped give me a new perspective, so I'm going to share it with you, simply because it made me feel better.
"I have a friend who's an Italian filmmaker of great artistic sensibility. After years of struggling to get his films made, he sent an anguished letter to his hero, the brilliant (and perhaps half-insane) German filmmaker Werner Herzog. My friend complained about how difficult it is these days to be an independent filmmaker, how hard it is to find government arts grants, how the audiences have all been ruined by Hollywood and how the world has lost its taste...etc, etc. Herzog wrote back a personal letter to my friend that essentially ran along these lines: "Quit your complaining. It's not the world's fault that you wanted to be an artist. It's not the world's job to enjoy the films you make, and it's certainly not the world's obligation to pay for your dreams. Nobody wants to hear it. Steal a camera if you have to, but stop whining and get back to work." I repeat those words back to myself whenever I start to feel resentful, entitled, competitive or unappreciated with regard to my writing: "It's not the world's fault that you want to be an artist...now get back to work." Always, at the end of the day, the important thing is only and always that: Get back to work. This is a path for the courageous and the faithful. You must find another reason to work, other than the desire for success or recognition. It must come from another place."
After reading that, I felt like Liz Gilbert slapped me across the face and said "Sandy - Snap Out of It!"
So, my friends, I am finding that "other place" to create from. Not for recognition or some desire for external success (or to sell something and bring home the bacon). I am getting back to work and doing the only thing I can really, truly call my work, write. I'm driven, like many of you, to search and dig and analyze and over-analyze my life, other people, our emotions, the reasons and the seasons, constantly trying to figure out this journey of my life.
That's why I named my blog, radio & youtube shows The Road to Fabulous, because I believe we are all on this road together, sometimes it feels like we've arrived- we ARE Fabulous- and we've got it all figured out, and everything will fall perfectly into place from now on. Then life takes an unexpected turn, and we feel confused or betrayed: "Hey! I thought I was done with all of these life lessons. I thought I'd figured everything out. What happened?"
Life happened. Maybe tomorrow I'll be fabulous.