05/10/2013 03:36 pm ET Updated Jul 10, 2013

The Letter From the NRA that You Will Never See

The following piece may seem like comedy but it's really political satire, which basically means it's about serious issues that make Americans so uncomfortable that I need to dress them up in humor just to talk about them.

It also means that any similarities to anyone, living or comatose, are convenient but purely coincidental. The NRA in here is definitely not the National Rifle Association but an unrelated group called No Remorse At All (I guess you leave off the last 'A' for 'Assh**e').

Which is all a roundabout way of saying - hold the frivolous lawsuits please!

Anyway, the following letter from NRA Executive Vice President John Wayne Leper to all 5 trillion members (at least according to their website) was discovered by a journalist at the crash site of a UFO (that many of the NRA's members believe is real):

Dear NRA Members:

As you all know, we are the only organization standing between you and your communist government that is intent on taking away your God-given right to hoard guns, girls, and gadgets. As our name clearly indicates, we have no remorse about anything and do not believe in silly things like accountability, responsibility, or empathy. We are about one thing only - action - and we are about to take that now.

It has come to our attention that some people in our great nation want to take away your guns just because some people are killed every few minutes by firearms. Their flawed reasoning is that if the government makes it harder to buy guns, fewer criminals will get hold of them and there will be less violence on our streets.

We believe just the opposite. Our own studies indicate that if every American citizen was armed to the teeth, right down to babies, there will be no gun violence in the nation, for anytime someone starts shooting they will be mowed down by everyone else like the little commies that they are, within seconds. Think about it.

What the general public doesn't realize is that the only real solution to violence is even more violence, but we are happy to educate them on that.

We are also aware of the objection that such an environment might result in friendly fire and innocent people being shot, but that concern is just a fabrication of cowards who are afraid of guns. The brainiacs here at the NRA, after a lot of thought, have decided that the problem is not that too many people get shot but that the biased media labels them 'victims.' If we were to simply stop calling them that and instead call them 'enemy combatants', everything will be fine. After all, you may feel a pang of sympathy for a victim but you certainly won't feel anything but jubilation at the shooting of an enemy combatant, right?

Finally, there are some people out there who believe that our organization is in the pocket of big gun manufacturers. I want to state for the record that that allegation is simply not true.

We never have been, nor intend to be, pawns of the gun industry. The fact that we routinely take very large donations from dummy organizations that are in turn funded by gun manufacturers, or that my private jet, 15-room mansion in the Hamptons, and son's Ivy League college tuition are personal gifts from CEOs of gun companies does not mean anything. To draw any connection between those things and the NRA's constant push for more gun ownership is just plain bad journalism!

I thank you again for your continued patronage and encourage you to keep fighting for your right to bear arms everywhere, including in churches, parks, courts, and hospitals, and to preserve our proud culture of walking around with heavy weaponry for no earthly reason but that we need to feel macho and intimidate other people just because we can.

That is, after all, the American way.

Yours Truly
John Wayne Leper (call me JWL)

P.S. Don't let anyone tell you that assault weapons do not belong in the hands of civilians. Guns that can spray 100 rounds a minute are extremely useful for hunting deer, especially if you are nearsighted, and sniper rifles are essential when you need to shoot that annoying dinner guest who refuses to leave even though you are tired and want to go to bed.

SANJAY SANGHOEE is a political and business commentator. He is a banker, has an MBA from Columbia Business School, and is the author of a new thriller entitled "Killing Wall Street". For more information and blogs, please visit his website at