I feel sorry for Ted Nugent. All the poor man wants to do is protect your arsenal of machine guns and rocket launchers from the Communists and to make sure that all those highly desirable gardening and maid service jobs are not stolen by undocumented Mexicans sneaking over the border; and yet despite his patriotism, all we ever do is make fun of him.
Even his latest brainwave of temporarily enslaving undocumented immigrants and forcing them to build the Great Wall of America on the US-Mexico border in one year, has been met with derision by the media. I really cannot imagine why.
But precisely because of this shameful bias against a great rocker and all-American icon, I have come up with a way to help Ted get what he sorely deserves and to help our nation at the same time. After a lot of deep thought, I have come to the conclusion that he should migrate to Mexico illegally.
That will solve all his problems (and ours), in one shot.
How, you ask? That's easy. If Ted migrates to Mexico, he won't actually have to deal with Mexican scum anymore (you know, all those hard-working busboys who terrorize American diners for minimum wage every day), since according to him they are all going the other way -- towards the United States.
By migrating illegally, he is also sticking it to Mexico by giving them a taste of their own medicine. Let's see how the Mexicans like it when Ted Nugent tunnels in under the border!
Finally, in Mexico, Ted can keep all the guns he wants; in fact, I bet he will find plenty of warm camaraderie on that front from the La Familia and Los Zetas drug cartels. It's not that Mexico does not have gun control but that the violence-ravaged country has been the Wild West for a long time, and so Ted can do as he likes. My only tip for him: don't shoot the tourists.
The only question that remains is how he will make money over there. The obvious answer is his music but I don't think the Mexicans are that desperate. Of course, if he learns to sing in Spanish, he could make a living performing at birthday parties for children of drug kingpins (at least before the customary bloodbath), but I think his real success will come from using his shooting skills.
I'm referring here to the amazing feat that Ted apparently performed in killing 455 pigs from helicopters for "Bill Maher and all those other animal rights freaks out there." My idea is that he could do the same for Mexican farmers for a fee, which could be lucrative and has the dual benefit of showing the Mexicans what it feels like to have an undocumented immigrant doing their dirty work for them.
Alternatively, Ted could bring some fine American cuisine to Mexico in the form of a chain called 'Ted's Homemade Roadkill', with its signature dish of cat burger. Sarah Palin could be his spokeswoman. With this, actually, he could make an even bigger dent in illegal immigration than by shooting pigs. After all, if our neighbors could get wholesome all-American food right where they are, they may not need to cross over to the United States at all. Talk about a win-win situation!
But sadly all this will never happen, for I don't think Ted has any interest in migrating to Mexico, learning Spanish, or helping to address the reasons why people risk their lives to enter our nation. That would require empathy or at least compassion. Besides, why actually solve the problem of illegal immigration in a thoughtful, humane, manner, when you can more easily exploit the immigrants and make headlines by demonizing them instead?
SANJAY SANGHOEE is a political commentator. He has worked at leading investment banks and hedge funds, has an MBA from Columbia Business School, and is the author of a new thriller titled KILLING WALL STREET. For more information, please visit www.killingwallstreet.com