10/30/2014 02:51 pm ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

Things No One Told You About Getting a Puppy

I'm pretty sure ever since I came out of the womb I've wanted a puppy. My first words were even "pup pup"! OK fine, maybe it was "papa" but they sound really fucking similar.

Growing up we had a dog who I loved to tiny little golden fluffy bits, but she was never my own -- she was our family's dog -- AKA my responsibility and full understanding of what it is to have a dog was very minute and somewhat hazy. After she passed and once I didn't feel like hurling myself into the street every time I saw a Purina commercial, I went back to pre-10-year-old me begging for another dog. My parents wouldn't budge. My mother had had enough 7 a.m. walks in -40 degrees, and my dad was all, "mraaaa ask your mother, she's in charge" (thanks dad!). The only thing that got me through was my mom saying to me repeatedly (because I asked about 100 times a day for approximately six years), "You'll have a puppy when you're ready for one and they'll be your very own!" In other words, "you're gonna think this sounds very special, but basically, you can get a dog when you clean up its shit and train it your bloody self!" And that's just what I did.


Six weeks ago my partner and I adopted a beautiful little boy named Opie! He's a Boxer/Shar-Pei/French Bulldog/English Bulldog and he's so darn cute sometimes I have to bite into a pillow just to contain my excitement. For the most part, we were pretty prepared for the challenges a puppy brings. We read the books, we spoke to trainers, we stocked up on odor blaster, paper towels and freeze-dried treats. What we've come to learn, however, is that no one prepares you for the various weird things that a puppy brings to your life. They are as follows:

  1. You will be forced to yell "GOOD COME! COME! COME! COME BOY COME!" over and over in the street until you realize you sound like you're shooting a porno.
  2. You won't be able to get anywhere because every single person thinks that you having a puppy is synonymous with you not having a life. They will also say, "you must not be able to get anywhere!" a hundred fucking times.
  3. If you live downtown, crackheads with long, questionably-colored fingernails will try and cuddle your dog. Your brain and your heart will have a serious battle, which may end in physical implosion.
  4. Never again will a small brown crumb on the floor be chocolate. Ever.
  5. People who would, typically, never give you the time of day will become your new best friends. You must utilize this optimally. It is your new super power.

You're welcome!