02/28/2013 04:42 pm ET Updated Apr 30, 2013

Craigslist Ad: Seeking Roommate for Huge Beautiful House

Now, I'm not going to say I wrote this Craigslist ad, but................................. I wrote this Craigslist ad

Roommate wanted for luxurious fully furnished neo-classical house located smack in the middle of D.C.! Just three minutes from the national mall and a mere 2.5 miles away from hip places like Columbia Heights, Dupont and the U Street Corridor! Seriously guys, this place is huge. High ceilings, spacious rooms and big beautiful windows letting in lots of natural light!

About us: My wife and I moved in four years ago with our two daughters and are looking for a chill roommate to help us with rent. We travel a ton, and mostly just stick to our wing of the house so you won't have to deal with us too much, but we enjoy sharing the occasional bottle of wine in the blue room if you're down. Your bedroom will be on the state floor in the newly constructed East Wing and comes with a queen-sized bed, armoire, dresser, closet, chandelier and sconces. For the most part, the house stays pretty quiet, but occasionally protesters like to make a raucous out front. In fact, I can hear them screaming something about gun control right now. Ear plugs. Problem solved. Now, if things get a little cray cray, don't be afraid to head down to the situation room.

Our last roommate liked to rollerskate down the marble halls, while admiring the pre-civil war art collection on the walls. Though we recognize the temptation to do this, please don't. It scratches the floors and they're a bitch to restore.

We have a massive front and backyard so if you are into gardening, this place might be a perfect match for you. I won't say the grounds cover over 18 acres, but................................. the grounds cover over 18 acres. A little excessive, I know, and the cost to maintain it is a downer, but I swear it is worth it and our Christmas tree is huge.

MUST be OK with dogs. Bo is super friendly and loves everyone, so you must love him back. He's kind of an attention whore, so no more pets please.

I feel I should give full disclosure. This house is old as shiiiii, so history runs deep here. With great history comes great responsibility, just kidding... What I meant to say was great hauntings. Unfortunately, the house has been known to have a few stray poltergeists since it was built over a graveyard in 1800. We only moved the headstones, but forgot to move the bodies... oops. Anyway, they tend to just hang out in the basement in black rubber suits and lower rent significantly so they are actually a real asset.

Please respond via email with a little bit about yourself. Try to be as dry and bureaucratic as possible.

Michelle and I are looking forward to a cool new roomie!