10/30/2014 04:54 pm ET Updated Dec 30, 2014

An Exercise Conversion Chart For Moms

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I am, by all accounts, the laziest Mom I know when it comes to physical fitness. Don't be fooled by my Lose The Weight board on Pinterest. Judging by the 423 pins on there, you would think I'm sporting some chiseled girly abs by now, but no. I'm not. I'm sporting a wine belt and a serious -- and probably unhealthy -- fondness for midnight pints of ice cream.

Couch to 10k? No thanks. I'm more of a couch to the laundry room, to the backyard, back to laundry room, into the kitchen, back to the laundry room, break up a toddler fiasco, into the kitchen, eye up the couch, curse under my breath on my way back to the damn laundry room kind of girl.

You know, I think that whole 30 minutes of exercise a day stuff is crazy. Whoever came up with this rule clearly never had kids. I do not have time to change, workout, shower, and then change again. I'm lucky if I remember to change my pants a mere once a day.

It seems to me that chasing my toddler who just stole a spatula from the kitchen in order to whack his little brother burns more calories than say, 20 minutes on an elliptical machine. With this Mom logic in mind, I came up with this easy-peasy system to figure out what a basic 30-minute mom workout looks like.

Picking Up Toys IS EQUAL TO Stretching/Warm Up

Laundry/Vacuuming/Dishes IS EQUAL TO Arobics/Zumba/Jazzercise

Pacing and Bouncing a Baby to Sleep IS EQUAL TO Jogging on a Treadmill

Placing an Angry Toddler in Timeout IS EQUAL TO Wrestling

Taking Two Kids To The Grocery Store IS EQUAL TO Flipping Tires/1,000 Pull Ups

Surfing The Web While Kids Nap IS EQUAL TO Yoga/Cool Down

Drinking wine and complaining to a girlfriend or husband about your day IS EQUAL TO Meditation/Spiritual Cleansing

Since any fit person knows that a decent workout is followed up with specific nutrition guidelines to help maintain a healthy weight, it only seems fitting that I address what passes as my "diet plan."

Coffee (day)/Wine (day & night) IS EQUAL TO Water (all the damn time)

Breakfast: Donuts or Kid Cereal IS EQUAL TO Breakfast: Cardboard

Lunch: Whatever the kids didn't eat IS EQUAL TO Lunch: Cardboard and Salad

Dinner: Dinner was a Pinterest fail, so Mom ordered pizza. Since that kind of counts as eating out (and therefore a special treat), Mom picked up an extra bottle of wine and a pint of ice cream which IS EQUAL TO Dinner: Something boiled and with kale