THE BLOG
10/31/2014 02:09 pm ET Updated Dec 31, 2014

Moms Just Don't Understand

Jessica Peterson via Getty Images

Sometimes I have to take a step back and reassess my lot in this motherhood gig. My almost-5-year-old is ridiculously smart and is never more than a stern 1,2,3 warning away from timeout thanks to his disastrous mix of curiosity and audacious defiance of the house rules.

Today he said this: "Mom, you just don't unnerstand." And then he stomped off into the living room where he built a trampoline out of the couch cushions. He wanted to launch himself into space. Literally.

I don't unnerstand.

Does this mean I've hit that parenting milestone?! Am I out of touch with youth?! Am I now the embarrassing mom person who stalks in the background, lurking to see if my boy has changed his underwear or washed his hands or said please?

I remember saying this "you don't understand" mumbo-jumbo crap to my own mother. And I meant it. I'm not sure I'm ready for this. But then, my child does a lot of crazy stuff around my house. And to be fair, I really do spend an inordinate amount of time threatening the kid to spend eternity in timeout if he doesn't cutitoutrightnow!

Take these recent exploits for example:

  • Used a plastic baseball bat to whack a mosquito off my leg (ouch!).
  • Ran stark naked through the garden because he wanted "to collect flower dust like the bees and make honey!"
  • Poured water into a paper grocery bag to see if it would make the bag float from the inside.
  • Climbed up into a window to hoot at the morning doves outside.
  • Dumped ALL the clean laundry onto the floor so he could, "build a cozy nest!"
  • Told his grandmother that he lives with her now because mom "won't let me do whatever I want all day long!"
  • Requested that dad explain to mom that "ice cream is a for real good-for-you food and I can eat it for dinner because that would make me happy and you're supposed to want me to be happy, right?!"
  • Sprayed me with the flipping garden hose.
  • Collected a pile of worms from the garden to make a worm zoo.
  • Asked me, "Is Grammy a villain?"

To him, I must seem old and stern. It is true that I am starting to hear my own mother's words emanating from my mom voice when I holler my son's full name. But I don't feel old. I just feel like I am stuck behind the scenery of Mom Land stuff like wiping bottoms, 73 loads of daily laundry, grocery fetching, rule citing, and heavy sighs.

So maybe he's right. Maybe I really don't unnerstand.