We spend a lot of time in my program, Live More Weigh Less, talking about intimacy. Intimacy with our significant others, intimacy with ourselves, the potential of intimacy and our fear of being intimate.
A pattern I tend to see in my clients is a subconscious and sometimes conscious weight gain to shield themselves from being in the position of being desired.
Have you ever found yourself in the position of feeling required to be intimate with someone before you're ready? Because you feel like it's what you're supposed to, or you don't want to be considered a "tease"? Do you ever think, deep down, you could be holding onto some extra weight to protect yourself from being intimate with someone? Do you ever worry that you aren't intimate with your partner often enough and are constantly making yourself even though you aren't in the mood?
In a past call in our Live More Weigh Less coaching call "Sally" asked me something that got me really fired up. Sally is divorced and really hates dating. She truly desires to find someone but is uncomfortable dating for this particular reason...
"Divorced men expect you to sleep with them on the second date. That's just how it is."
Sally's natural answer to this expectation was to stop dating because she didn't want to feel like she was having sex on a timeline, let alone a second date!
I could go down the bottomless list of whether or not this typical male expectation of sex is true. What I do know is that I hear a version of this from women all.the.time... the feeling of pressure to sleep with someone, worried they are being a tease, making themselves to sleep with their partner even when they don't want to, etc. This is a boundless source of anxiety. The truth is, a man's expectation becomes irrelevant once you set your own expectations and challenge what is considered the norm. Being in a different space around sex and expectations will change everything for you, whether or not this stereotype of men expecting sex after certain behavior or X number of dates is true.
Sex is like a sandwich.
Let's look at it like this...
Think about this, a friend of mine came over for lunch and I put out everything for sandwiches. There were a few different meats, spreads, vegetables and a variety of freshly baked bread. I took a lot of time to make myself an amazing sandwich.
So we sit down and he says, "Wow, your sandwich looks so good, can I have a bite?"
"Sure!" You say because you're happy to give your friend a taste of your sandwich. It makes you feel good to share a little bit of your lunch.
Now imagine how you would feel if this happened next....
After your friend takes a bite he says, "This sandwich is SO much better than I thought. It's incredible! Like completely mind blowing. Can I eat the entire thing?"
First of all, NO WAY! He cannot eat your sandwich, it's YOURS. You made a delicious sandwich so YOU could enjoy it. And second, wouldn't you be completely lost and annoyed that he would even ask? Uh, yes.
So why is it that it's so clear that someone asking to eat our entire sandwich is crazy, and it would be so simple for us to laugh and say no, and someone asking to sleep with us sends us into a crash of emotions? I mean, the fact that we feel more claim to a sandwich than over our bodies and emotional intimacy is CRAZY!
This illustrates another perfect point that wanting something and not being able to have it is just part of life. The stereotype of men thinking that a woman is being a "tease" when she dresses up, is feeling flirty and into herself means that she wants to or is obligated to share her body, and when she doesn't share, she's is being a "tease," is like saying I shouldn't make a great sandwiches, decorate my house, or raise wonderful children because that is the same thing as saying, "Hey, take, my house, my sandwich and my children! Take it all!" I see things everyday that I want, that are beautiful and tempting but I don't think I can just have it.
You NEVER have to do anything you don't want to do, especially when it comes to sex. You can show up on all your dates looking hot and feeling amazing and wearing whatever makes you feel your fantastic and never feel like you have to take your clothes off. Look hot and feel amazing for you and your enjoyment. Give them a few "tastes" if you want, but you don't have to give them the whole sandwich until you desperately want to share your entire sandwich with them;).
What I see over and over is when we are back in control of our sexuality, we no longer feel the need to dull our sexiness by holding onto extra weight. We can be out and about in the world shining because we know that no one's expectations have any weight on our own choices or behavior.
In the comments below I would love to know, have you felt this way before? What do you think about this shift in your mindset? Do you have any other points of view or tips to add?
Also, have you talked with friends about this before? This may be a great way to get some solutions.