THE BLOG
12/09/2014 10:27 pm ET Updated Dec 06, 2017

Birthday Wishes From Your Dentist

Today is my birthday and I received this email from a dentist I went to once:

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There are so many things wrong with this greeting. Granted, yes, it is my special day. But, as a dentist office why are they shoving cake down my throat with this stock photo of celebrating Asians? Is it so I may rot away the enamel with sugar and sprint to them for help? Is there a group of attractive people in an office in Taipei joyously celebrating my aforementioned "special day"? So confusing! What's with the weird non-joke about living longer? That's like saying people who donate a kidney statistically have 50% fewer kidneys. And, finally, this greeting isn't a tweet. Give me the gift of the Oxford Comma!

I guess I'm just bitter from my experience at this dentist office. Excuse me, "Spa".

I went for a simple cleaning at this place ages ago. I'm compulsive about my teeth and floss more than is necessary. There is no fighting chance for plaque and tarter to set up camp by my gums before they are violently scraped away with the green minty string of death. And yet, people of the dental industry have this persistent need to remind you that you're an absolute piece of crap no matter what level of vigilance to set toward cleaning your chompers.

"Looks like you missed a spot back there," said the hygienist cutely whose job was practically made obsolete by my near-perfectly clean teeth.

Noting I don't have eyes behind my molars, I opened wide so she could pick at the iota of schmutz with her metal picky thing.

Soon the dentist appeared. He was about 15 years old, introduced himself as Doctor Skippy and began poking around, "did you know your front teeth have a gap between them?"

A gap!? You're making my mind explode Skip! But, seriously, did I not notice a bird could fly through these babies? No, please tell me more!!

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"Yes, and they're very small teeth."

For the record, my two front teeth are smaller than say Julia Roberts', but nothing freakish. These are American teeth after all.

He went on, "yes, the ratio of size is not as attractive or aesthetically pleasing as it could be." Was he trying to upsell me from a scrape 'n polish to Chiclets? Look at my chart, man, I don't have dental insurance. This is America after all.

"Have you considered..." he began.
"Let me stop you there, is this a medical concern?"
"No, but you could be more attractive if..."

A litany of colorful words crossed my mind in that moment. Only I can pass judgment on how I look and meet that negative quota daily. But instead generated this list, "I like being in the same company as Michael Strahan, Uzo Aduba, Anna Paquin, and my Uncle Billy."

Now if you'll excuse me, it's time to stir up some birthday brownie mix.