01/28/2009 02:24 pm ET Updated May 25, 2011

Alaska: Your Rapture Crash Pad

If what Sarah Palin's preacher said is true and we're all going to be headed to Alaska come Rapture time, which should be any second now, I want Alaska to be as nice as possible. Sure, it has plenty of open space and pristine wilderness and wildlife, but I'm not Survivor Man/Lady! I need a roof over my head, a nice all terrain vehicle, an upstairs AND downstairs porch. This is why Ted Stevens should not have been found guilty. It was a mistake to even bring prosecution against him because we're just hurting ourselves. Why else has Senator Stevens poured millions, nay billions, into Alaska over the years? To make it nicer for us! He was prepping his house as a Rapture crash pad! Is this how we show gratitude? I was planning on grilling up some moose on Uncle Ted's Viking Grill that I ran over in his Land Rover and then surveying nature's majesty from his upstairs porch while the rest of the United States is consumed by fire and overrun by tiny devils (cute!). Now that dream is dashed. Thanks, big government. My eternal soul will probably be stuck in Connecticut now. Awesome.